My Mother in law hates me

We had our dinner last night with the in laws. DH and I explained to MIL that she needs to understand this is our child and we need to make the decisions. She said she understood and totally agreed. Gimmer of hope? No.

She then asked where we planned on leaving her for daycare. I told her we weren't sure yet as we won't need it until August but have looked into a few places by our house. She asked which ones and we told her. As soon as the words "kinder care" came out of our mouth she gasped, said "no!" and shook her head. I nearly lost it. I got really upset and she told me not to get upset and that she shouldn't have said anything. I almost left the restaurant I was so mad. After going on about how she understood and would support our decisions as parents and in the next breath that!?

DH told her that we would make sure we are putting our daughter in the best place we can find and she said that did make her feel better? What the fuck? Like we would put our child in some shit hole?

And is that all? Of course not! She then looked at DH and said, "you might not remember this, but years ago we had lunch and you said to me, "Mom, you did such a good job raising me, I want you to raise my children", and I said that I wouldn't raise them, but I would help you in any way I could. I'm just trying to live up to my end of the bargain". It was SICK! It was as if I didn't exist and of course my opinion on my daughter's care doesn't matter. I asked DH about it later and he said he did tell his mom she did a good job raising him but never asked her to raise his kids.

After that I realized that there would be no getting through to her. I just kept pretty quiet the rest of the meal and made obligatory small talk. My birthday was last week and as we left she said, "oh and happy birthday" and walked out. Thanks for remembering bitch. She brings gifts for the baby, acknowledges she knew it was my birthday and didn't even bring a friggin card.

I suppose I'm glad we had the dinner. At least I now fully understand what my expectations should be. I'm not going to say she isn't a total disappointment though. I hate that this is what I have to deal with, but what can you do?

It's been a month!?

I just don't know where the time is going lately. I'm sorry to have not updated in so long.

Here are the basics:
I'm currently 33 weeks now and getting exhausted. My placenta is no longer previa, but still needs to move more to avoid a c-section. The baby is measuring a little small (17th percentile) so they are keeping an eye on her. I have yet another sonogram tomorrow.

As far as my MIL goes it's been a mess. She has not spoken to me since she hung up on me and I've tried to reach out to her. We did see her at Thanksgiving over at DH's aunt's house, but we pretty much avoided each other. She told DH she would speak to us after we have the baby and DH told her that was not an option. 2 weeks after telling her that she called him. She has agreed to meet us at a restaurant for dinner this Friday. I guess we'll see how it goes from there. It's hard though because it will take a while for things so be the same for me with her. She has really been selfish and nasty and created a lot of stress for us during what should be one of the happiest times of our lives.

Other than that things are good. I had my baby shower and it was a blast. We have most of our stuff and only a few things left to do to the nursery. I've loved being pregnant, but I'm really ready to be done and meet our girl. At least it's soon!

I promise to try and be better about updating!

no resolution

Well, my husband and I discussed it and decided it was best that I did not reach out to my mother in law. He has tried to call her twice this week and she refuses to speak to him. He is worried that if she were to speak with me she would loose her temper and get me upset again. I think at this point we have tried to reach out and there is little else we can do. Hopefully things will come to a resolution soon.

I'm starting to get more tired now that I'm in my third trimester and I'm feeling kind of big although everyone tells me I carry pretty small. With the shower and furniture coming this weekend, I'm really excited to work on the nursery and see how things come together. It's yet another thing that makes the fact our baby will be here soon that much more real.

mother in laws

Life has been chaotic, so I’m sorry for no updates in so long. Here is the latest:

Baby is 2lbs. 5oz as of yesterday's sonogram and my placenta previa is on the move - though not completely out of the way. I'm feeling pretty well and am 28 weeks along now. I've gained a total of 13.5 lbs so far and I'm pretty happy with that.

Now for the fun family drama info. Get your popcorn ready folks!

Our plan was to split 2 months of daycare care between my mother in law and my mom – my mom doing mornings since MIL works in mornings and MIL taking the afternoons. My mother in law was fine with this last we heard. She had offered to quit her job and do it FT but we just don't feel that is the right option for our family and told her that.

My mother in law called husband last week and told him she would not be taking care of our baby as she said she would for the couple of months we needed help when I go back to work. I called her back to see if something happened to upset her and she got all pissed at me. She questioned my choice of putting the baby in daycare and said we never communicated these things to her. The conversation ended up getting heated and she hung up on me.

Well, I got really upset and stressed about the whole thing and ended up L&D with contractions because of the stress of it. Baby and I are fine, but I was home on modified bed rest for week because of it.

So, my husband called his mom and let her know what happened. He told her not to call me or to come to my shower that is this weekend as we was concerned about another argument and wanted to keep us safe. She was upset and got mad at him that we didn't come over for her birthday a couple weeks ago (WTF!?). Never did she offer to help him out in any way while I was on bed rest for a week. Later she called him and left him a message asking how he could do this to her.

We found out through the grapevine that my MIL didn’t go into work all week. She doesn’t think she did anything wrong and blames my husband and I for upsetting her deeply.

Well, my shower is this weekend and I’m thinking about trying to reach out to her. You all might think I’m crazy, but we are going to have to resolve this eventually….The whole thing is a nightmare and I really hate that this has happened to us.

The most important thing is my baby and her health and THANK GOD she is okay. Any thoughts or advice you all have would be appreciated.

been so long!

It's been a while since I've posted. Things are going great, just really busy! I still need to get a sonogram picture up and I plan to scan some this weekend. We've gotten a lot done though which is really exciting. We have finished the registry, painted the nursery and gotten up the chair rail, ordered the furniture and picked a name! Oh, and my shower is all planned for the 11th of November. We are also signed up for our classes (lamaze, breastfeeding and hospital tour). Phew!

I had a follow up sonogram and the cyst on the baby's brain is now gone! I was really relieved. They said they are common, but it still had me worried. The placenta has moved a bit and is now only marginal and not complete. This is a good sign and we are hopeful it will be totally out of the way by the next sono. I'm still on pelvic rest and exercise restriction, but I'm pretty used to it at this point.

I'm 24 weeks and have only gained 8 lbs so far...I'm pretty proud of this one!

My DH has been wonderful and has not let me lift a finger. It's almost to the point of annoyance, and I asked him to start letting me do more. He finally admitted that he has some major fears of something going wrong still. I feel bad because I didn't realize this was still weighing on him so heavily. It is good to know though because now I can be a bit more sensitive to him and his needs. It really is easy to get wrapped up in yourself when you are pregnant!

I find it hard to beleive in just a few short months I'll be holding a baby in my arms. It does feel more and more real each day though and I just can't wait!

It's a....

GIRL!! I was so surprised. This whole pregnancy I've been convinced it is a boy. So much for maternal instincts! She was very cute and I swear she has my nose! It's true!

I have a complete placenta previea, so I'm on pelvic rest and can't exercise. I'm bummed because I've been working on getting in shape. I'm hoping it resolves on its' own. If I end up bleeding at all I'll be on hospital bed rest until the bleeding stops. It's one of those things that could be nothing, could fix itself, or could be really serious.

We go back in 4 weeks for another check to make sure it's not hindering fetal growth and to see if it has moved. If it doesn't move by the end of the pregnancy, I'll end up with a c-section.

The baby had a cyst on her brain, but apparently these are common and they are more concerned with the previa than the cyst. Still, not exactly what you want to here you know?

Still, she is healthy and there are much worse things that we could have found out than a previa or a cyst. A girl...wow.

Sad

My husband's cousin who recently found out she was pregnant and decided to keep it just found out this morning that she will miscarry. She called me just crying her heart out about it. I really feel for her and it has me very sad. It brought back a lot of sad memories for me of my own miscarriages. I wish there were something I could do for her to make her feel better, but I know there isn't. I just let her know that I am here if she needs to talk and how much I understand that this sucks. I hope she heals soon.

Alien

So, I've been feeling the baby on and off lately. It's really true what they say about it starting like butterflies. It's super light and fluttery. A couple of times I've actually felt a full on poking feeling.

I'm not going to lie, the poking thing creeped me out.

When I've told other women that have children that, they look at me like I am the worst mother in the world. Well fucking excuse me! It is kind of creepy when you feel something kick you from the inside for the first time. It's like the movie Alien or something.

The movements are still really sporadic, but I'm getting more used to them and (dare I say it) hopeful I'll feel it even more soon. You see, if I don't feel it much for a couple of days I start to worry. Thank God for home dopplers.

I'm not showing very much yet either which is really strange. I'm 18 weeks as of today and thought I would be bigger by now. I'm ready for the full on pregnancy belly. I want the world to know now.

I've been also thinking about the title of this blog lately. Does it still work? I would like to keep the blog going even after I have the baby, but I don't feel so bluesy about all this anymore. To keep the title or not? What do you think?

oh, and one more thing

I totally forgot to mention the best news of all. My old co-worker who miscarried right after me gave birth to her son last week. Almost exactly a year after she miscarried. I don't think I could be happier for another human being. They are both doing well and she had a great birth experience which gives me lots of hope for mine.

It's really a full circle moment. I went from being pregnant with her, to jealous she still was; from grieving with her, to jealous she was pregnant again; from being in the sisterhood of pregnancy and now, finally, overjoyed that she has her baby and is a mom. What a wild ride and a huge lesson.

bad blogger

Life has been crazy and I have been a bad blogger. Shame on me!

The past couple of weeks have been eventful. The pregnant family member has decided to keep the baby. It will be a tough road for her, but I'm glad she has come to a decision that she is happy with and feels is right for her.

In the past couple of weeks we've found out about 2 other pregnancies among family/friends, so that is pretty exciting. It seems like there is something in the water over here.

Last week I fainted in the grocery store and ended up with a trip to the ER in an ambulance. Everything is fine, but it was a bit scary and was a REALLY long night. We did get a sonogram out of it though. It was so funny because when we had the NT screen the baby was asleep and we didn't see much movement. Well, apparently I have a night owl because at one in the morning the kid was punching me in my uterus. Full arm extend and punching mom..over and over. My husband is into martial arts, so the kid must take after him.

My 20 week sonogram is 5 weeks away at 21 weeks and I think I will die if I have to wait that long. I really really want to know what the sex of this baby is. I think it is a boy, but am ready for some confirmation so I can start picking things out.

In just the past couple of weeks I've begun to realize that this pregnancy is real, and here, and not going anywhere. Don't get me wrong, I still worry about something going wrong, but at a more normal amount now.

I know I still need to get a sonogram picture up...I will...soon....I hope....

a year ago

It was a year ago that I had my d&c for my last miscarriage. It's been on my mind the past week, but not as much as I thought it would be. I think the excitement of this pregnancy is helping me not focus on the past. Still, I feel some guilt for not being more sad about it. I suppose I've done my grieving and have let much of it go. I haven't brought any of this up to my husband. I don't know if he realized it was a year ago and I don't want to make him sad.

There was some family drama this week as well. A family member who has a child and is currently on welfare called to tell me she is pregnant again. She doesn't know what to do and is leaning towards abortion. She kept trying to get me to tell her what to do, but that isn't my place. I told her to go to planned parenthood and talk to a counselor there. Hopefully they can help her. I don't know that I'm the best person to ask for advice on this subject. Being that I am pregnant, my point of view on everything is different. No one else in the family knows and I was the only person she felt she could reach out to. I feel bad for her, but angry that she wasn't more responsible.

I still need to get my sono pic scanned. I totally slacked this weekend! I'll get to it soon though, I promise!

I've been feeling pretty well. I still get nauseous on and off and today it is worse than it has been in a couple of weeks. I'm having lots of "growing pains" in my uterus this week as well. It's not really painful, but more uncomfortable. I'm still having trouble gaining weight, but have gained back what I lost at least. Doc is not going to be happy at my next appointment. Hopefully I'll put on a few pounds over the next week!

I'm back

Sorry it's taken so long to update! Vacation was nice and relaxing, but my first week back at work was mad, so I couldn't get to the blog until now. We went to the beach and had a great time, but it is nice to be home.

We had the NT screen on Monday and everything looked great. I still need to scan the sono picture and get it up here. Hopefully I can do that this weekend. It was great to see the kid and it was the first time it really looked like a baby. We could see fingers, arms legs...and the best part was the few times it moved around. Apparently we have a lazy baby as I would have to cough or move to get the baby to wake up, but it would always fall back asleep. Takes after his or her father.

Now that our families know that I'm pregnant, we are getting inundated with questions. Everyone is asking me about weather they will be allowed to come to the hospital. I don't want any family to come until after the baby is born. The first hour or so after birth I just want it to be my husband and I, so we plan on calling the family to come after the baby is born. The families are not happy about this and continue to try and convince me that they should be there. I'm standing my ground though and hoping it doesn't cause too many problems.

How did/are you all handling the family issues that come up during pregnancy?

12 week appointment

So, I had my 12 week appt yesterday. We scheduled it a bit early (I'm 11 weeks 4 days) because we are on vacation this upcoming week. Anyway, she couldn't find the h/b on doppler which would have totally freaked me out, but I had already found it at home. Luckily, since she couldn't find it I got another sono! It was so cool to see the baby again. I've basically had a sono every couple of weeks now which has given me such relief.

The only bad news it that I am borderline anemic which she isn't too worried about. I just need to start trying to eat more iron rich foods. (The steak she suggested is out though because I'm a vegetarian.) I also lost 2 lbs the past 2 weeks which she was not very happy about. Hopefully I'll start gaining soon! (never thought I'd say that!).

My NT screen is a week from Monday too, so I get to see our bean again! I need to start scanning the sonogram pictures soon!

I' m off to the beach for vacation tomorrow and can't wait. I'll post something after the NT screen once we get back.

home doppler heartbeat!

Well, I checked online to track the package and my doppler rental arrived today. I was crawling out of my skin wanting to get home and use it. I finally got home from work and after a few frustrating minutes found our baby's heartbeat! It was glorious and I'm so relieved and happy. It's like receiving good news you want to call and tell the world about! Good stuff!

Cat is out of the bag!

Well, the cat is out of the bag! We announced to our families this weekend. They are all very thrilled and happy for us. For some reason announcing our news has made me even more nervous. I just fear having to un-tell people again.

My next doctor appointment is this Thursday and I'm hoping we can get a heartbeat and have some relief. It's funny, I do really well for a few days after I see the doc, and then all the worry sets in until the next appointment. Since I had a missed last time, I have this huge fear that I'm walking around feeling and thinking I'm pregnant when in reality the baby is dead inside me. How horribly morbid, I know! Still, that is what happened last time, so having been down that road I can't help but to fear it with my whole being. I rented a doppler online and it should arrive today or tomorrow. Hopefully I can find a heartbeat quickly on that and be able to start breathing again.

I've been feeling pretty rough the past week and a half. Lots of dry heaves and just overall nausea. Of course, I'm not complaining. I'm greatful for it as I think it's a sign that all is well with the baby. Hopefully, I'm right!

change of plans

Well, it looks like we won't be sharing our big news this week after all. Before you freak out, I AM still pregnant. The reason we are holding off is because my mother is in the hospital. She suffers from mental illness and was feeling suicidal, so she was checked in at the end of last week. Being that she is in there, it just doesn't seem appropriate that we share our news yet. We'll wait until she comes home and do it then.

Other than that things are going well. I'm still pregnant as far as I know and anxiously awaiting my next doctor appointment. It's next Thursday and we should be able to hear the heartbeat on the doppler by then. That will be a huge relief for me and I'm looking forward to nearing the end of the first trimester. I think in another couple of weeks I'll really start being able to enjoy this whole pregnancy thing.

My old co-worker who miscarried right after me had her baby shower this past weekend. It was great to see her and I'm so excited for her success on this journey. It also helps give me hope that things can work out after a loss.

ultrasound

I had another u/s yesterday and it went great. The baby is still measuring a little behind, but consistent with my ovulation date. The heartbeat was 160. We are officially past the point when the baby died last time, so this is a huge relief.

We plan on telling our families next week. I'm very nervous about telling them, and question if it is too early, but I really think it's time. We were actually at my parents house last night and I almost slipped a couple of times. So, on the 4th of July we we share the big news.

I am really loving my new doc and my husband got to come with me yesterday and agreed that this practice is a much better fit for us. I'm finding it hard to beleive how well everything is going, but I'm not going to question a good thing. I'll just have to pinch myself every so often.

Husbands

My husband and I have been pretty introspective since I found out I was pregnant. I don't know if this is a coping mechanism or what, but it hasn't really bothered either of us too much. We just haven't been as connected as usual. We did go out this weekend on a nice date to dinner and a play. It was fun and something I think we both needed.

Lately, it's been really hard to talk to him about the pregnancy. Every time I have a fear about the pregnancy and express it to him, he gets freaked out. He acts like I have some magical crystal ball into the world of what is going on in my uterus. It pisses me off. I don't know just has much as he doesn't know, but I can't talk to him about my fears or having a bad day because it freaks him out. I explained this to him last night and I think he understands.

I have another sonogram tomorrow. This one was at my request to calm my nerves before we tell our families next week. I'm nervous about it. I'm hoping that it really will calm my nerves. It seems like I'm good for a week after a sono and then during that 2nd week wait I start to get freaked out. Hopefully I'll feel more positive after this one.

New doctor

Well, I found a new OB that I really like. My old practice was just too big, and I never really felt like an individual patient there. Every conversation I had with someone made me feel rushed....like they had better things to do than deal with me. So, I decided to meet with some other OB's. This new one is great! It's a small practice, so it's just her and her midwife and one other doc that just does GYN patients. They are looking to hire another OB as well. She spent 20 min just talking to me and getting to know me. I asked if I could get a sono before we tell the families and she has me scheduled for one the week before. She is awesome! It's like a weight is lifted off of me!

One thing she offered that the other practice didn't was NT screening for chromosomal abnormalities. My husband and I are opting to do this (so long as insurance will cover it). We would not terminate if there was something wrong, but if there is, we'd like to have time to prepare for the challenges it could present. I have to go in for that between 11-13 weeks, so that will be yet another sono as well!

We have decided to tell our families on July 4th. I think my parents will come over for DH's parents big party so it seems that would be a good time to tell them. I'll be 10 weeks. I'm pretty nervous to let the cat out of the bag, and it's a bit earlier than we had planned, but if all goes well on the next sonogram there's no reason not to tell.

I saw my therapist last night and kept refering to the pregnancy as "everything seems okay". She corrected me and said, "no, right now, everything is okay". So, I'll sign off saying Everything is okay.

Father's Day reflections

Last year on Father's Day we announced our pregnancy to our families. I was in my 4th week. Currently, I'm in the end of my 7th. We told them by having my husband wear a shirt that said, "world's greatest dad". It's so bittersweet now that that day is coming around the corner. We are going to wait for another 3 weeks or so to tell everyone. I'm nervous about it. They were so thrilled the last time, I fear that this time they won't be as excited. It wasn't just our innocence that was taken away, but theirs as well.

I want to give my husband something from the baby, but I'm not sure how appropriate that would be. I was thinking of a bib or onesie that says "I love my daddy". Part of me feels that is so cheezy though! I feel bad for him...this will be the second Father's day that I've been pregnant. I've never been pregnant on Mother's Day. I don't know which is worse.

Speaking of my husband, he is so wonderful. He bought tickets to a play I've been wanting to see. This isn't something we do very often and it was just really sweet and romantic. He said it was something we could do that wasn't smoky, didn't involve drinking, and we deserved it after all our recent stress. I really do have the best husband in the world.

I had a wonderful dream last night where I gave birth by c-section to a baby boy. My husband was there with me and we were blissfully happy. I breastfed and all the emotions and love I felt were so real in the dream. I hope dreams really are an indication of how things will go.

I have an appointment with a new OB practice on Monday to check them out. I like my doctor, but have had trouble getting test results and call backs in a timely manner. I just wanted to check out another for comparison. We'll see how it goes. I'm hoping that I like them. They are closer to home and deliver out of a hospital that is a bit nicer.

Right now I'm just trying to trust my baby, trust my body, and trust in God. I suppose that is all you really can do.

We have a heartbeat!

My DH and I just had our follow up sonogram this morning. We were able to see the baby's heartbeat and things look like they are progressing nicely! Baby is measuring a bit behind, but they aren't concerned based on the fact that I have long cycles and am a late ovulator. The heartbeat was 126. Little bean looks good! I feel like I'm able to breathe for the first time in a week. Thank you everyone for your kind words, thoughts and prayers. What a happy day!

quick update

You didn't think I'd keep you in suspense until Wednesday did you? That would just be too mean. Well, I got the braces. It sucks, but I'm dealing with it. Eating is a challenge, but it gets better each day. I'm not wild about the way I look, but my husband keeps reassuring me that I look great...he is the best!

Yesterday I was really nauseous and almost threw up. Strangely, I was really happy about this. I felt like this was a very positive sign until today. This afternoon I started spotting again. It was only a little and not red like last time, but it still has me very nervous. I'll call the OB in the morning if it hasn't let up. I know there isn't anything they can do about it right now.

oh the rollarcoaster

So, I woke up this morning and went to the bathroom. As usual, I checked the tp for any spotting. Well, there it was...red as red can be. I called my husband and he ran in the bathroom...I was in total disbelief. I called the on call OB and he said to call the office when the lines opened an hour and a half later to get an ultrasound scheduled. It was the longest morning of my life.

We got in for the ultrasound and were able to see a gestational sac and yolk sac. No heartbeat. The tech said it wasn't a big deal because I have long cycles and ovulate a bit on the late side. Still, I was hoping to have the sigh of relief of a nice strong heart beat. At any rate, we have another ultrasound scheduled for one week from today.

I had a 3rd beta yesterday and the results of that came back this morning. They look good! According to my OB's office, they think things look fine for now. I'm measuring on time and they aren't concerned there is no heartbeat yet.

Still, I'm a very scared and worried about next week's u/s. It feels like a lifetime away. Luckily, the spotting has stopped for now.

I'm also getting braces tomorrow. I debated all morning on weather or not I should go through with it given the circumstances, but in the end it will be a good distraction. Not getting them now is just putting off the inevitable.

So, if you pray, I ask that you say a prayer for this little one to be well. I guess we'll know for sure how things look (as much as we can) in a week.

all is well

I should have posted yesterday, but I just didn't think to. I was so stressed out! My doctor's office didn't call until 4:00pm, but it was good news. My levels are rising nicely.

I go in next Tuesday for another draw and if that beta looks good, I'll be able to schedule and ultrasound.

You would think I'd be relieved, but I'm very stressed out. All this waiting for things to happen is stressful. On top of it, I haven't been thrilled with my ob's office and am thinking of switching to a new one. Oh, and next week, I'm getting braces. Yes, BRACES! UGG!

Any suggestions out there for good stress management tools?

tenderhooks

I'm waiting for the doctor office to call and let me know if my betas are rising as they should. This is the longest morning ever.......

a scare already

Last week I went in for my first ob/gyn visit. They took some blood to do a beta. On Friday they called back. The nurse said my levels looked low and the doctor was very concerned. The doctor that reviewed my results was not the doctor I have been seeing (he was out of town) but another doctor in the practice. He was not optimistic and they said to come in Tuesday (today) for another blood draw and call if I started bleeding over the weekend. Of course, my heart sank and all my critical thinking skills went out the window.

Then I started thinking about it. 58 seemed a fine level for 13 DPO. Ahh, but they don't know I'm a late ovulator....they haven't seen my charts. So, according to their universal stupid magic wheel, I should have been closer to 17 DPO in which case yes, 58 is worrisome. I spent the day asking questions on message boards, doing research and worrying. 58 is fine...this is what I heard over and over again.

I'll get the results of todays test tomorrow and we'll see if the levels are rising as they should. This will let us know for sure how things look so far.

I'm angry at the way my doctor's office handled this situation. They called me and basically said I would miscarry again without all the information they really needed to make that assessment. I'm thinking about switching practices. I like the doctor I've been seeing, but this whole thing just has me worried and pissed. Neither of which I really need right now.

I feel better since I've done research on my own....58 is fine! Still, the ominous call puts the reality of what can go wrong clearly into perspective. Will I ever be able to just enjoy this pregnancy?

I'm pregnant

Monday I spent all day stressed out and so I figured I'd put my mind at ease and take a pregnancy test. So, I took a test and expected to see something right away. I didn't. I was frustrated and threw the test away. Then, for some reason I decided to grab the test out of the trash can for one last look. It was positive! A very very faint line, but it was there. Three days later the lines are darker and I actually believe it. I'm pregnant. My due date is Jan. 29, 2008.

Yesterday I spent all day completely stressed out about all the things that can go wrong. Today, for some reason, I'm feeling better. I had my first doctor appointment this morning and will be going in for my first u/s in a couple of weeks.

I'm happy, but kind of numb about the whole thing. I just really don't want to loose this one. It doesn't help that the time line is so similar to my last pregnancy. My last due date was Feb. 23, 2007.

Last time I had a very strong feeling it would be a girl. They tested the tissue after the d&c and it was. I'm feeling boy this time....we'll see....

I've only told a handful of people. We are not telling our families until I'm further along. If you are a praying kind, please pray that this one sticks.

Stressful Month

Well, I'm 11 DPO today and dying to take a pregnancy test. Yesterday I was overwhelmingly exhausted and I felt nauseous. Of course, I am a firm believer in the fact that you can make this shit up in your head if you try hard enough. Today, I'm cramping and think my period is coming. In my head?? We'll find out soon enough I guess.

This past month has been very stressful. At the beginning of the month, I went in for my usual dental checkup and found out that I have to get braces. Well, that's not entirely true. I've been avoiding braces for many years now and I was told I really have now choice now. So, on June 7th I'll be getting braces I don't even want for the bargain price of $6200. At least my dental will partially cover it.

A week after learning I needed braces, we learned a pipe was leaking in our front yard. The original quote to fix it was $4500, but we shopped around and found a great place that could do it for $1900. Of course, that really did feel like a bargain after the original quote.

All of this got me quite a bit stressed out, mainly because the money for this stuff is money I've set aside for when I take maternity leave. So, at firs when all this happened I said, "Well, if I don't get pregnant this month it's no big deal". WHO AM I KIDDING!!!??? Of course it's a big deal!

In all this stress I've realized I don't really have an outlet anymore. Or, I don't use the outlets I have. After my miscarriage last year I took up knitting. It was all I did in my spare time and I really loved it. Oh, and I worked out too. For the past couple of months though I haven't even touched it (the knitting or the work out equipment). I'm thinking it's time to get the needles out again and hop back on that elliptical machine. Right after I go pee on a stick.....

Important bill you should be aware of

Please Please Please check out this post over at "a little pregnant":

http://www.alittlepregnant.com/alittlepregnant/2007/05/also_please_ask.html

I know this is an issue that affects many of us and it's worth checking out! I just went to the website and it literally took me less than an minute to send the form letter to my local representative.

Mother's Day

I've never been a very big fan of Mother's Day. My mother spent a good portion of my formative years in and out of mental hospitals. She is manic. Now, this isn't to say that she is a bad mother. She is a good mother, but the issues of my childhood and her illness have affected our relationship.

Like most of us, I love my mother, but she drives me crazy. The main difference I see in our relationship from the relationships of my girlfriends and their mothers is that my mother and I are just not as connected. We are not close. This is something that used to bother me, but as I have grown older I have learned to accept. It does make finding a Mother's Day card a bit problematic though.

Seriously....I just can't identify with the cards in the store. And writing something mushy and loving on the inside of the card myself...forget about it! I break out into hives just thinking of it.

As you can imagine, my anticipation of this Mother's Day was a bit worse than usual. This would have been my first Mother's Day had my I not miscarried last year. The day was hard, but not as hard as I thought it would be.

I really hope that I'll be a mom by next Mother's Day. Time will tell.

on birth

A co-worker's wife just had their fourth child and I found out today. This has made me reflect on my changing feelings about the news of birth.

Before I had been pregnant this last time, I was truly happy and excited when I heard about someone having a new baby. It was cool and fascinating...something very far away from me. The people that became parents were just so brave.

After my first miscarriage in college it was a little hard to hear of births at first, but overall it didn't effect me as much. I think this was mainly because the pregnancy was unplanned and I only knew about it for a couple of days before I started bleeding. In the end, I really saw the miscarriage as a thing that was for the best.

After my miscarriage last year things were very different. I planned that baby with my husband and we were both so excited. In the aftermath, I would get so angry when I'd hear of someone giving birth. The news made me fill with rage and jealousy. Sometimes, I can still feel those twinges of emotion if I'm having a bad day and let it come in.

Today, upon hearing the news of my co-workers new baby I realized that now when I hear the news of a birth I greet it with ambivalence. I feel nothing. I visited the website and saw the baby and felt nothing. My only thought was that she looked good for a newborn (let's face it, they aren't usually all that good looking).

On the hospital website I looked around and came to the section of FAQ's. It was really strange, but as I came across the "what to bring to the hospital" list I felt anger. The anger wasn't really the strange part, but more what I felt angry about. It mentioned to bring a ponytail holder to pull back long hair during delivery. I have long hair, and got this immediate visual of myself in labor with my hair pulled back. It was a strange thing to have resonate so clearly. At least I'm moving on from being angry at people to inanimate objects. It seems like a step in the right direction.

A better week

For some reason I feel better this week. There is no rhyme or reason to it, but I'm not going to question a good thing. I met with my therapist last night and we talked about the emotional rollarcoaster that is trying to conceive. It's hard wanting something and being disappointed month after month. I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir here, but after a while I think you just start to become resigned to the fact that it's hard. Up until now I've been fighting that notion.

A good friend let me borrow her fertility monitor which helped her get pregnant. I got a high reading this morning which is kind of early for me. My husband was thrilled because this means he'll get laid a lot. I am happy as well because this could mean a couple of days will be shaved of my cycle this month. Two days less of waiting. Score!

We have a spare room in our house that is meant to be a nursery. We never decorated it, but did paint it a pale blue when we moved in 2 years ago. Now, it has turned into a storage room. It's a mess. It's funny because it seems in some ways that the room has become a metaphor for my uterus. Bear with me here. Before we got pregnant last time, the room was filling up with baby related things - an old rocking chair, a small coat rack I had as a little girl, a bookcase. It was just starting to look right for a baby. Now, it looks like a bomb went off in it. I think we need to clean it out. Feng Shui the fucker. Feng Shui the room, feng shui the uterus?

hard at home

I've been down ever since I got my period this week. It seems hardest at home. I've come to realized that it's hard at home because that is where I feel emptiest. It's really strange. I have a great house, job, husband, dog...there are truly many wonderful things in my life. The only thing that is missing is a child and it's when I'm home that I feel that missing piece the most.

I've really been at a place of peace for a while now, but this week I just feel empty. The milestones are hard. I passed my due date in Feb, and not getting pregnant this last cycle put my out of the running for a 2007 baby.

It's bad when I go home. That is the place that I want to have be filled with the joy of children, but it's just me and my husband. I'm so greatful for everything in my life, but there is just this one thing missing from it. My husband has been wonderfully supportive and understanding. I'm just so frustrated at myself that I'm feeling this way. Especially after being okay for so long now.

more period

Well, I got my period again this month. We've only been trying for two months but we've been waiting for so long since the last miscarriage. If I don't get pregnant this cycle, my next cycle will be the same one I got pregnant with last summer. Almost a whole year has gone by since I got pregnant.

I'm not devastated, but I am disappointed. I'm just really ready to be a Mom and want it with every ounce of who I am.

Period

It arrived this morning with a vengeance and some nasty cramping. I'm actually okay with it. I would have thought it would make me upset, but it doesn't. It's just really nice to finally know one way or the other. I checked a due date calendar for this month and I'd be due the 29th of December if I got pregnant this month. I love the holiday season and that is kind of exciting! Here's hoping this is our month!

DH and I are going out of town for a couple of days for a little getaway and that will be right around when I should be ovulating, so I'm really hopeful!

waiting

Well, about a month ago I went in for my annual exam and the doctor said we could start trying again. This was a big surprise and we are both very excited and scared.

I am a couple of days late as of this writing and have not had a positive test yet. I'm not sure if I'm pregnant, but would really like to know one way or the other. It's so easy to get obsessive in the 2 week wait.

Still, I wonder, if I am pregnant, will it make me feel better? Then I'll just be waiting for the first trimester to end...then to find out the sex, and then to meet the little bugger. I suppose I'm starting to realize more and more that from the very start of the process, becoming a parent is a long and sometimes painful lesson in patience.

I'm still trying to find mine.

The worst thing ever said

I’m not sure if I wrote about this before, but the day after I found out the baby died last year, I spoke with my mother. My husband called her the day we found out to tell her, and the next day I gave her a call to talk. She suffered 5 miscarriages herself and I thought she would be a big source of comfort.

When we spoke, she said the worst thing to me anyone had said. She said, “Well, maybe we didn’t love it enough”. Now, there are a lot of ways she could have meant this, but there isn’t a single one that is right. When you have a miscarriage you learn to deal with all of the stupid things that people say to you. You just really don’t expect the stupid things to come from your family.

I let it go at the time. I was too out of it and drained to stir something up over it. The result of that comment though was quite a bit of withdrawal on my part from my mother. She and I have had a somewhat rocky relationship over the years, so this withdrawal has only compounded that for her.

Yesterday she sent me a nasty e-mail about me not calling enough and other various things. She has a tendency of doing that to me every so often. I called her this morning to address them and she brought up my lack of speaking with her about my miscarriage. I told her why. She has no recollection of ever saying such a thing.

The idea of trying again has really brought up some issues for me as to how I want to define my relationship with my mother. What do you think?

coming to a place of peace

I think I'm coming into a place of peace. I'm days away from my due date and as I get closer it seems like I come more and more to terms with things. It is still hard sometimes, but I'm okay with it being hard and that makes a big difference. I think it also is helpful that we plan on starting to try again in April. I don't know that I'll ever fully get over my loss and I hate that it will taint my future pregnancies. I just hope that it does offer me more appreciation when the time does come for all that motherhood will bring.