I’m not sure if I wrote about this before, but the day after I found out the baby died last year, I spoke with my mother. My husband called her the day we found out to tell her, and the next day I gave her a call to talk. She suffered 5 miscarriages herself and I thought she would be a big source of comfort.
When we spoke, she said the worst thing to me anyone had said. She said, “Well, maybe we didn’t love it enough”. Now, there are a lot of ways she could have meant this, but there isn’t a single one that is right. When you have a miscarriage you learn to deal with all of the stupid things that people say to you. You just really don’t expect the stupid things to come from your family.
I let it go at the time. I was too out of it and drained to stir something up over it. The result of that comment though was quite a bit of withdrawal on my part from my mother. She and I have had a somewhat rocky relationship over the years, so this withdrawal has only compounded that for her.
Yesterday she sent me a nasty e-mail about me not calling enough and other various things. She has a tendency of doing that to me every so often. I called her this morning to address them and she brought up my lack of speaking with her about my miscarriage. I told her why. She has no recollection of ever saying such a thing.
The idea of trying again has really brought up some issues for me as to how I want to define my relationship with my mother. What do you think?
1 comment:
I think it totally makes sense. You are going to become a mother so your relationship to your own mother comes up. I'm kind of in a similar situation where I don't always connect with my mom and she can be insensitive. She had a miscarriage as well but has not been a big source of comfort to me during this time. I'm sure your miscarriage has brought up stuff for her about her own miscarriages. Maybe it has brought up old greiving for her.
- Chantelle
Post a Comment