Sunday, December 31, 2006

ups and downs

It seems that I cant make up my mind if I'm okay or not lately. Today is such a bad day for me. My cousin called yesterday to tell me she is pregnant. I'm happy for her. I feel it is so important to say that before I go off on my selfish tirade. Seriously, another fucking pregnant person. This has put me in such a bad place. To top it all off my husband and I are fighting. None of these things bother him...this news doesn't phase him at all. The face that I would have been due in 6 weeks means nothing. For me these are devastating reminders of what we have lost. Neither of us seems to be able to understand where the other is coming from. I'm tired and sick of being sad about this and I'm even more tired of fighting about it.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

glad that's over

I'm feeling much more positive now that Christmas is over. This week has been pretty light at work, and I've finally been able to come down from the holiday craziness. We plan on starting to try again in March and now that we are closer to that I somehow am feeling better. I have a goal of getting in shape before we start trying again and have lost 5 lbs so far. They will probably come right back on after the holiday, but that's okay because I can get back on track.

I'm also going to try and see another OB before we start trying again just to help things along. I think a second opinion on the molar and MTHFR issues is probably a good idea.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Merry Christmas

My levels were zero again this month which means I am not pregnant. This also means that I will not be needing chemo. Merry Christmas to me. This should make me happy, and it really does, but I'd rather just be 7-8 months pregnant right now like I was supposed to be.

My bitterness is there under the surface and so much more noticeable over this time of holiday cheer. This year I lost my baby, had said baby sucked out of me (twice), watched two friends have their first babies and experience a joy that was ripped away from me (one of said babies was also born on my birthday), found out my infertile cousin is pregnant with a naturally conceived surprise baby after two rounds of successful invitro, found out my friend who miscarried two weeks after me is pregnant again, changed jobs (twice), found out I can't get pregnant for quite some time and might have issues carrying babies to term.

Merry fucking Christmas.

I do have a lot to be greatful for in my life. I have a wonderful husband, a job that pays well and I enjoy, a terrific dog. I have a great house that I just finished decorating and that I love. I have a closet full of nice clothes. I have my health. Still, all I want for Christmas was the life that I had in me and was taken away from me. So, I'll go and put on the obligatory Christmas cheer and pray by this time next year I am a mom, of a healthy baby.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

less bitter

Well, I'm a bit less bitter than I was on my last post. Seeing my therapist of course helped. I think I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that this is just hard, and going to be hard.

My co-worker that miscarried right after me just found out she is pregnant again. She e-mailed me this morning to let me know. I am happy for her, and her e-mail was nice, saying how she understood that the news is not easy for me to hear. I know she gets it and that makes it a little easier. I feel for her because she is so nervous something will go wrong again this time. Still, how I wish it were me.

I had my beta drawn yesterday as I must do every month. I should get the results today, but I feel pretty confident we are okay because I got my period and I'm not on the pill this month. If my hcg was up, I don't think I would have gotten it.

Christmas is on Monday and I'm just not in the spirit this year. Frankly, I just really want this year to be over....I really am ready to start fresh. I have been working out and trying to loose weight to hopefully be a little slimmer for the next pregnancy. I think we'll start trying in April, so that gives me a few more months to get there.

My DH will be coming to my next therapy appointment with me and I think it might help us out a bit. We've been a bit disconnected because we deal with the miscarriage so differently. I suppose in some ways that is normal, but it's getting old fast.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

trying not to think about it doesn't work either

Well, it's yet again been ages since I've posted. I was in therapy and things were going well so I decided the best thing to do was avoid everything that reminded me of my miscarriage. No websites, no blogging, not really talking about it much. Well, on my birthday (of course) some friends of ours had their first child. I asked my husband to call them and see how things were going, and this past Saturday I asked if he ever got a hold of them. He said yes, two days before and that they had the baby on my birthday. I was furious! I know he was trying to protect me but seriously!

Well, I got sent the pictures this morning and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Their baby is only 2 and half months older than mind would have been. I'm in my office just wanting to sit and cry for an hour and I can't. Why is it that when we have a miscarriage, all our friends are having their first babies!? I mean isn't it bad enough that my baby died and i have to wait to try again? I think I'll write more later, right now I just really don't have anything to say.