Period

It arrived this morning with a vengeance and some nasty cramping. I'm actually okay with it. I would have thought it would make me upset, but it doesn't. It's just really nice to finally know one way or the other. I checked a due date calendar for this month and I'd be due the 29th of December if I got pregnant this month. I love the holiday season and that is kind of exciting! Here's hoping this is our month!

DH and I are going out of town for a couple of days for a little getaway and that will be right around when I should be ovulating, so I'm really hopeful!

waiting

Well, about a month ago I went in for my annual exam and the doctor said we could start trying again. This was a big surprise and we are both very excited and scared.

I am a couple of days late as of this writing and have not had a positive test yet. I'm not sure if I'm pregnant, but would really like to know one way or the other. It's so easy to get obsessive in the 2 week wait.

Still, I wonder, if I am pregnant, will it make me feel better? Then I'll just be waiting for the first trimester to end...then to find out the sex, and then to meet the little bugger. I suppose I'm starting to realize more and more that from the very start of the process, becoming a parent is a long and sometimes painful lesson in patience.

I'm still trying to find mine.

The worst thing ever said

I’m not sure if I wrote about this before, but the day after I found out the baby died last year, I spoke with my mother. My husband called her the day we found out to tell her, and the next day I gave her a call to talk. She suffered 5 miscarriages herself and I thought she would be a big source of comfort.

When we spoke, she said the worst thing to me anyone had said. She said, “Well, maybe we didn’t love it enough”. Now, there are a lot of ways she could have meant this, but there isn’t a single one that is right. When you have a miscarriage you learn to deal with all of the stupid things that people say to you. You just really don’t expect the stupid things to come from your family.

I let it go at the time. I was too out of it and drained to stir something up over it. The result of that comment though was quite a bit of withdrawal on my part from my mother. She and I have had a somewhat rocky relationship over the years, so this withdrawal has only compounded that for her.

Yesterday she sent me a nasty e-mail about me not calling enough and other various things. She has a tendency of doing that to me every so often. I called her this morning to address them and she brought up my lack of speaking with her about my miscarriage. I told her why. She has no recollection of ever saying such a thing.

The idea of trying again has really brought up some issues for me as to how I want to define my relationship with my mother. What do you think?