Monday, August 28, 2006

more bad news

I just got the call from my doc that my recent loss was a partial molar. The doc called me this morning with the news.

I also got my records mailed to me last week. The loss was a triploidy partial molar. What they think happened is that 2 sperm fertilized the egg and instead of splitting into twins, it all rolled in to one pregancy so the baby had an extra set of chromasomes.

It was a girl.

I have to go in tomorrow morning to get my hcg beta checked. This will happen every week until it reaches 0 and then I'll go once a month. The issue with molar pregnancies is that the cells can come back and grow as cancer. Luckily with a partial molar the chances of cancer with those is pretty rare. In any case he is putting me back on birth control pills. We should wait a year to get pregnant again, but he did say that some people only wait 6 months (not that he reccomended it, just that they do....wink wink).

I am so devastated. All I wanted was to have a baby. Why is that so much to ask for?

Monday, August 21, 2006

Period

Well, it’s official. My first period since the d&c has arrived. It came lightly on Friday and then reared its’ UGLY head Saturday afternoon. It is more emotional that I thought it would be. It is also much more painful then I thought it would be, and I’m really wishing there were still some Tylenol with codeine left from the surgery.

I went to a baby shower on Saturday for my dear friend and neighbor who is due at the end of September. What in the hell was I thinking? She knows what has been going on and would have totally understood had I not gone. In the end, I think I really had something to prove to myself (I’m fine and moving on…it’s been a month after all; how long can you mourn a dead baby you never knew?). On the one hand it felt really good to be there for her. I am very happy for her (extremely jealous, but happy for her all the same). It was so hard to be there…baby decorations, baby games, baby gifts, a three week old baby and lots of baby talk. Between that and my period I ended up spending most of the weekend depressed.

Then there was the party we were supposed to go to on Sunday. My husband’s co-workers were having a party. Most of them knew about the pregnancy, but since he is a teacher I don’t think the word has gotten out over the summer that we lost the baby. I stood in the closet deciding what to wear and freaked out. I became overcome with fear that someone would congratulate me, or the people that knew would say something that they think is comforting, but really just isn’t. In the end I just couldn’t handle it so we stayed home. I felt bad too because my husband would have really liked to have gone, but he didn’t want to leave me at home alone and sad. He is a wonderful man and a wonderful support for me.

I finally got my homocystine levels back from the doctor, and they looked good. The doctor gave me the information to call into the perinatologist for my pre-pregnancy consult. We have to wait yet another month before they can see us. I understand they are very busy, but the appointment is 2 months to the day since I had my d&c and that just seems like an eternity to have to wait.

I’ve come to terms with the face that we have challenges ahead, but I really just want to know the game plan so we can move forward and not be left in limbo. It’s been hard to occupy my time with other things since all of this baby stuff is on my mind a lot. We are doing a lot of work on our house…it’s as if we are still nesting without the baby. We also bought some exercise equipment, so I am going to start working out again. Of course, that is baby related as well because my ulterior motive is to get into shape to offer a better “house” for the next baby. A friend and I signed up for a knitting class…I’ve always wanted to learn to, but now I have the time to and I can knit something for my baby when I’m pregnant again. Will the obsession stop?



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Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Some good news please???

I have a co-worker who found out she was pregnant shortly after me. Our due dates were only two weeks apart. I was concerned about her being worried for her own pregnancy when she found out I had miscarried, and of course was also concerned about seeing her on the same timeline every day. She is a doll though and has been very understanding.

Her first sonogram was scheduled for yesterday. This morning she wasn't here. I called her and she found out that the baby died. My heart is broken for her. What were the chances that this would happen to us both?

Being that I just posted on jealousy of other pregnant women, this news has given me great pause. I was jealous of her yesterday, and today I am grieving with her. I guess it is a reminder that we are all really just a moment away from being the same.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Jealousy

Jealousy. It's not one of my favorite emotions and I'm not the kind of person that is jealous very often. Of course, that has all changed in the past couple of weeks. When we first learned of the miscarriage, people often asked if it was hard for me to be around pregnant women. I said no...being pregnant sucked and I didn't really envy them. I mean, I was not feeling well most of my pregnancy, and so I didn't feel jealous of that feeling at first. That has all changed.

Now when I see pregnant women I feel jealous. It seems like a delayed reaction, but I can't help it. I want what they have. Badly. It is such a strong jealousy that there is almost a physical reaction that comes with it. I suppose it is one of those things that will pass in time like everything else.

My husband and I went to a Christening yesterday. It was little hard, but I got through it okay. I find that going to events where I will see people that don't know about the miscarriage makes me very nervous. I get really worried that they will ask me about when we plan on having kids. It seems like that has become such an acceptable questions for strangers to ask these days. I find it very uncomfortable and disarming. Do I answer, "we hope to have kids one day" or "well, it's a little soon considering I recently suffered a miscarriage"? Part of me thinks that if they ask you an uncomfortable question you should throw the discomfort back at them. At the same time, I would have hated to cause a problem at some one else's special event. I guess as the question is asked of me over time I'll come up with some kind of answer that works. In the mean time I'll just live in fear of the asking.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Some History

So some quick history. I got pregnant in college, well right after I graduated actually. I found out and miscarried 2 days later. There isn't much more information than that. In the end, although sad, it was for the best. No, that sounds so hard. I was really devastated at the time. It's just that I really wasn't ready to be a mother either. So, in this case, looking back this was "for the best."

Fast forward. I got married almost 3 years ago. In May my husband and I decided to really start trying for a baby. We got pregnant on the first try. I always knew that we were winners! We were both really excited (once we got out of the dear in headlights phase that is). Since I was really worried about another miscarriage, my OB was nice enough to give me a early sonogram and we saw a heart beat at 7 weeks. It was very very cool. No, that doesn't quite describe it. It was really fucking amazing. Okay, so eloquence is not my thing.

So, ten days after the sonogram I went for my regular appointment and we found out that there was no heart beat. This was the first appointment I didn't bring my husband to. I had to call him and tell him to meet me a the sonogram place. The doc wanted a second ultrasound just to be sure. It just sucked.

I was scheduled for a d&c a few days later. Since this is my second miscarriage the doctor decided to send the "tissue" out for genetic testing. I must say, I like tissue better than "products of conception", but let's call it what it really is. He sent the embryo out for testing to see if he could tell what went wrong.

Two days ago, we found out that I tested positive for the MTHFR genetic mutation. We will have to go see a specialist to discuss what the next steps are there. I don't have much more info than that right now.

I am also waiting for a final report on whether or not this is a partial molar pregnancy. If that is the case, we'll have to wait a year before we can try again because the cells can come back and become cancerous.

This is so not how things were supposed to be. We were supposed to have a baby. I was going to get a cute belly. We were going to decorate a nursery.

So now we wait. Wait for test results. Wait for information. Wait for more doctor appointments.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Welcome

Hi there, and welcome.

I suffered a miscarriage 3 weeks ago. Actually it is my second, although only a few people know I had one back in college.

So why did I decide to start a blog? Well, I've been reading other blogs out there from women in similar situations and since I don't do well on the touchy-feely message boards, this seemed like a good way to get out of my head.

I don't really know who will read this, or even if I will share that I am doing this with others in my life. (Of course, I will tell hubby...I just can't keep secrets from him). So, if you come here and read, I hope you enjoy.