We had our dinner last night with the in laws. DH and I explained to MIL that she needs to understand this is our child and we need to make the decisions. She said she understood and totally agreed. Gimmer of hope? No.
She then asked where we planned on leaving her for daycare. I told her we weren't sure yet as we won't need it until August but have looked into a few places by our house. She asked which ones and we told her. As soon as the words "kinder care" came out of our mouth she gasped, said "no!" and shook her head. I nearly lost it. I got really upset and she told me not to get upset and that she shouldn't have said anything. I almost left the restaurant I was so mad. After going on about how she understood and would support our decisions as parents and in the next breath that!?
DH told her that we would make sure we are putting our daughter in the best place we can find and she said that did make her feel better? What the fuck? Like we would put our child in some shit hole?
And is that all? Of course not! She then looked at DH and said, "you might not remember this, but years ago we had lunch and you said to me, "Mom, you did such a good job raising me, I want you to raise my children", and I said that I wouldn't raise them, but I would help you in any way I could. I'm just trying to live up to my end of the bargain". It was SICK! It was as if I didn't exist and of course my opinion on my daughter's care doesn't matter. I asked DH about it later and he said he did tell his mom she did a good job raising him but never asked her to raise his kids.
After that I realized that there would be no getting through to her. I just kept pretty quiet the rest of the meal and made obligatory small talk. My birthday was last week and as we left she said, "oh and happy birthday" and walked out. Thanks for remembering bitch. She brings gifts for the baby, acknowledges she knew it was my birthday and didn't even bring a friggin card.
I suppose I'm glad we had the dinner. At least I now fully understand what my expectations should be. I'm not going to say she isn't a total disappointment though. I hate that this is what I have to deal with, but what can you do?
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I am sooo sorry that you have to go through unnecessary stress and hardship at a time like this. THe year I was engaged, my mil forgot my birthday and it is four days before her son's (my husband). Then when I got pregnant she stopped referring to me by my name and started referring to me as "The Momma" (even when talking to me). I felt like I was just a vessel carrying the grandchild and not a person who happened to be her daughter in law. I told DH to not have her call me that and he wouldn't say anything because mil was excited. I blatantly told her not to call me that one day and she asked me if I was feeling okay. WHat!? Then a short while later I miscarried. Things haven't been the same since. I try but now I feel like the empty vessel when near her instead of the daughter in law who happened to miscarry. Hope things get better for you before the little girl gets here.
Kathy,
Thanks for the kind words. I totally know what you mean about being made to feel like a vessel.
I'm so sorry for your loss and the fact that things have been different since it with your MIL. Just try to remember that in the end, the only thing that matters is you and your DH. You can't change her.
Alice
In all fairness, she's just being a grandma- an onverbearing one, but a grandma none-the-less. I can understand where you are coming from that YOU are the parent and she's not, but if there's one thing I know, it's mother-in-laws (who are becoming grandmothers). They feel like because they've done it and because they were so good at it, that they need to re-parent every baby that comes along. I think (and hope) that she realizes that you need to learn and do this on your own. But I honestly think that she just wants the best for her grandchild even if it doesn't come across that way. I'm sorry that there is this tension between you two.
And I hope you had a wonderful birthday!
She sounds a bit psycho to me. Don't put up with her shit, this is your daughter and of course you should make the decisions regarding her care! Of course you'll do the very best for her! I don't blame you for taking offence to what she said about "raising" your kids!!! How friggin rude. You do what you want and she must bloody well mind her business!!
Sorry but this made me so mad for you! You don't need this now!
And HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
She's awful! So sorry dear. You're doing the best you can.
I am sorry about the MIL. Of course you are going to do what's best for your child. Hopefully once your little one gets here things will settle a little.
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