on birth

A co-worker's wife just had their fourth child and I found out today. This has made me reflect on my changing feelings about the news of birth.

Before I had been pregnant this last time, I was truly happy and excited when I heard about someone having a new baby. It was cool and fascinating...something very far away from me. The people that became parents were just so brave.

After my first miscarriage in college it was a little hard to hear of births at first, but overall it didn't effect me as much. I think this was mainly because the pregnancy was unplanned and I only knew about it for a couple of days before I started bleeding. In the end, I really saw the miscarriage as a thing that was for the best.

After my miscarriage last year things were very different. I planned that baby with my husband and we were both so excited. In the aftermath, I would get so angry when I'd hear of someone giving birth. The news made me fill with rage and jealousy. Sometimes, I can still feel those twinges of emotion if I'm having a bad day and let it come in.

Today, upon hearing the news of my co-workers new baby I realized that now when I hear the news of a birth I greet it with ambivalence. I feel nothing. I visited the website and saw the baby and felt nothing. My only thought was that she looked good for a newborn (let's face it, they aren't usually all that good looking).

On the hospital website I looked around and came to the section of FAQ's. It was really strange, but as I came across the "what to bring to the hospital" list I felt anger. The anger wasn't really the strange part, but more what I felt angry about. It mentioned to bring a ponytail holder to pull back long hair during delivery. I have long hair, and got this immediate visual of myself in labor with my hair pulled back. It was a strange thing to have resonate so clearly. At least I'm moving on from being angry at people to inanimate objects. It seems like a step in the right direction.