Surprise...doing well!

Seeing my friend and her new baby was actually not as bad as I expected. My husband and I went by after work and one of her co-workers who I've met before was there. The co-worker was holding the baby when we arrived and I sat down next to her to get a look. After a few minutes she asked if I wanted to hold the baby. My friend, the new mom, was like, "no one has to hold the baby though if they don't want to...I never liked holding newborns before I was pregnant!". I knew she was protecting me and it was really sweet and meant the world to me. What an awesome friend...I already knew it, but that was just so cool! I ended up holding the baby for a while and it was hard, but kind of nice all at the same time.

I keep trying to think how this just wasn't my time, but then I think of how far along I would have been and it just kills me. I still feel heartbroken about the whole thing. Still, my husband and I are trying to just enjoy the time we have and I'm taking up new hobbies. I still do a lot of crying over things, but hopefully my time will come soon. My husband said a while back that when I get pregnant I'll be the only one and it will be more special...It was so sweet!

Time heals all wounds I guess, but time sure does move slower when you are waiting...

baby central

Well, my neighbor who happens to be one of our dearest friends has given birth to a healthy baby boy. I'm thrilled for her and her husband. She was lucky enough to have a very easy delivery and sounded great when I talked to her this morning. Her husband asked if I wanted to come with him to the hospital to see them, but I told him I just couldn't take it. It is just too much for me to go to the hospital where I was supposed to deliver and see all those babies. I feel terrible for not going, but I really think he understood.

I am in a very deep depression. Just last week my levels sunk down to 3, and anything below 5 is considered 0. I think that the falling hormones along with the arrival of my first period since the second d&c have put me in a tail spin. And as happy as I am for my friends, knowing there will be a newborn here every day to see doesn't help things any.

To top it all off my husband is out of town this weekend.

Tonight I have a friend and cousin coming over to hang out and hopefully that will make me feel better. I am beginning to seriously consider looking into some counseling to help me through all this. Everyone grieves differently, but this is just getting ridiculous.

ups and downs

My levels were down to 17 this week....really great news! I'm really hoping when I go in on Tuesday they are down to 0. Going in and getting blood taken every week is getting old fast!

I've been really down the past few days and I'm not sure why. I'm trying to fill my time up with positive things but I just can't seem to get rid of this overall feeling of sadness. I've been taking a knitting class and redecorating the house. Both of which I really enjoy, but I'm still just down. Then today I found out my cousin is pregnant with her 4th child. It's actually pretty crazy because her first 3 were all IVF and she just recently had twins (a result of the IVF)! So the fact she got pregnant on her own is really a miracle. I'm happy for her but sad for me. Same shit, different day. It seems like everyone around me is pregnant and it just really gets to me no matter how hard I try not to let it get me down. I have a feeling this will be a long year.

Desperately seeking baby

I find that I'm really starting to resent taking my birth control pills every night. I don't want to be preventing pregnancy, I want to be pregnant. It seems everywhere I look someone is getting pregnant or having a baby. Why can't I be part of that club? I really really just want to be a mom...I'm ready for this. I want to see my husband be a father and be a parent with him. It really consumes me and is most of what I think about on any given day.

These thoughts get me on an even crazier track where I start to say, "fuck what the doctors say, let's just get pregnant anyway". I actually said that to my husband last night and his response was, "so you are smarter than the doctors? They are wrong and you are right?".
My husband is, of course, right. The doctors have been wonderful, and I really believe that they have my best interests at heart.

Is thinking about getting pregnant all the time normal? There are so many other things in life to think about. I was at an arts festival this weekend and saw someone pushing the stroller we had wanted. Jealousy raged. I read other blogs and see the women who have had a hard time getting/staying pregnant making their happy announcements and while I'm happy for them, I'm so sad for me. I don't like it, but I just can't seem to help it.

HCG happy dance

weeee....I just got the call....my hcg was 148. That is down from almost 6000 last week! Finally some good news!

Hell week

Well, this has been a hell week. I'm not sure how to get all this out, so I'll just give day to day events as they unfolded.

Monday: see last post

Tuesday: Still really down about the molar pregnancy. I got home that night and started cramping really terribly. At this point I'm on day 11 of my period and it is just getting worse. Like an idiot I don't call my OB and have hubby drive me to the ER where I had the WORST DOCTOR EVER. Seriously, he was an idiot. He gave me the most painful pelvic exam ever. He ordered an ultrasound and they found nothing, although my HCG levels showed I was pregnant according to him. He spews all this random shit that can be wrong with me and ignores anything I say. Sends me home with some percocet and few answers. asshole.

Wednesday: HCG levels come back from the doctor. They are 5800....very high. We discuss the ER trip and they say if it gets bad again to call. I wake up in the middle of the night to horrible cramps and the worst bleeding I've ever experienced. I call the doc and he tells me to lay down, drink of bunch of water and take some motrin to help the bleeding. If it stays bad to call again. I call again an hour later, since the bleeding has lightened up a bit he recommends I follow up the next day with my doc. Otherwise he'd do an emergency d&c that night. I decide to wait it out. I finally sleep.

Thursday: Follow up with my regular doc. He orders another ultrasound and it looks like there might be some retained tissue. He sees me at the office and says we should do another d&c. We schedule an O/R for Friday.

Friday: Surgery.

I spent the weekend on the sofa in my pj's with a heating pad and in a decent amount of pain. Having 2 d&c's so close together is NOT fun. It is now Tuesday and I'm still having quite a bit of discomfort. My abdomen is very sore and I'm still really exhausted from the events of last week. My hcg draw was this morning and we'll get the results back tomorrow. I'll be sure to let you know what happens there.