ups and downs

It seems that I cant make up my mind if I'm okay or not lately. Today is such a bad day for me. My cousin called yesterday to tell me she is pregnant. I'm happy for her. I feel it is so important to say that before I go off on my selfish tirade. Seriously, another fucking pregnant person. This has put me in such a bad place. To top it all off my husband and I are fighting. None of these things bother him...this news doesn't phase him at all. The face that I would have been due in 6 weeks means nothing. For me these are devastating reminders of what we have lost. Neither of us seems to be able to understand where the other is coming from. I'm tired and sick of being sad about this and I'm even more tired of fighting about it.

glad that's over

I'm feeling much more positive now that Christmas is over. This week has been pretty light at work, and I've finally been able to come down from the holiday craziness. We plan on starting to try again in March and now that we are closer to that I somehow am feeling better. I have a goal of getting in shape before we start trying again and have lost 5 lbs so far. They will probably come right back on after the holiday, but that's okay because I can get back on track.

I'm also going to try and see another OB before we start trying again just to help things along. I think a second opinion on the molar and MTHFR issues is probably a good idea.

Merry Christmas

My levels were zero again this month which means I am not pregnant. This also means that I will not be needing chemo. Merry Christmas to me. This should make me happy, and it really does, but I'd rather just be 7-8 months pregnant right now like I was supposed to be.

My bitterness is there under the surface and so much more noticeable over this time of holiday cheer. This year I lost my baby, had said baby sucked out of me (twice), watched two friends have their first babies and experience a joy that was ripped away from me (one of said babies was also born on my birthday), found out my infertile cousin is pregnant with a naturally conceived surprise baby after two rounds of successful invitro, found out my friend who miscarried two weeks after me is pregnant again, changed jobs (twice), found out I can't get pregnant for quite some time and might have issues carrying babies to term.

Merry fucking Christmas.

I do have a lot to be greatful for in my life. I have a wonderful husband, a job that pays well and I enjoy, a terrific dog. I have a great house that I just finished decorating and that I love. I have a closet full of nice clothes. I have my health. Still, all I want for Christmas was the life that I had in me and was taken away from me. So, I'll go and put on the obligatory Christmas cheer and pray by this time next year I am a mom, of a healthy baby.

less bitter

Well, I'm a bit less bitter than I was on my last post. Seeing my therapist of course helped. I think I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that this is just hard, and going to be hard.

My co-worker that miscarried right after me just found out she is pregnant again. She e-mailed me this morning to let me know. I am happy for her, and her e-mail was nice, saying how she understood that the news is not easy for me to hear. I know she gets it and that makes it a little easier. I feel for her because she is so nervous something will go wrong again this time. Still, how I wish it were me.

I had my beta drawn yesterday as I must do every month. I should get the results today, but I feel pretty confident we are okay because I got my period and I'm not on the pill this month. If my hcg was up, I don't think I would have gotten it.

Christmas is on Monday and I'm just not in the spirit this year. Frankly, I just really want this year to be over....I really am ready to start fresh. I have been working out and trying to loose weight to hopefully be a little slimmer for the next pregnancy. I think we'll start trying in April, so that gives me a few more months to get there.

My DH will be coming to my next therapy appointment with me and I think it might help us out a bit. We've been a bit disconnected because we deal with the miscarriage so differently. I suppose in some ways that is normal, but it's getting old fast.

trying not to think about it doesn't work either

Well, it's yet again been ages since I've posted. I was in therapy and things were going well so I decided the best thing to do was avoid everything that reminded me of my miscarriage. No websites, no blogging, not really talking about it much. Well, on my birthday (of course) some friends of ours had their first child. I asked my husband to call them and see how things were going, and this past Saturday I asked if he ever got a hold of them. He said yes, two days before and that they had the baby on my birthday. I was furious! I know he was trying to protect me but seriously!

Well, I got sent the pictures this morning and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Their baby is only 2 and half months older than mind would have been. I'm in my office just wanting to sit and cry for an hour and I can't. Why is it that when we have a miscarriage, all our friends are having their first babies!? I mean isn't it bad enough that my baby died and i have to wait to try again? I think I'll write more later, right now I just really don't have anything to say.

long month

Sorry for being away for so long. It's been a rather long month and I've been a bad blogger.
I suppose I'll begin with the job stuff since that is where I last left off. I have accepted a new position and start my new job on Monday! It was quite an ordeal because I had two really strong offers, so deciding which to take was really stressful. Then, in the midst of deciding and interviewing, my husband's grandmother died. She was in her mid -80s and her health had been failing the past couple of years. Still, she was an amazing woman and we were all very saddened to see her pass.

Hubby and I were supposed to go out of town for a little anniversary trip the weekend she died. We had been planning since right before I had the second d&c. We had to cancel of course, and although we didn't want to go because of the circumstances, both of us were really disappointed. It had been the trip through all our stress of the past few months that we had been so looking forward to. We are going to try and reschedule..

I'm excited about the new job. I think the challenge will be a nice distraction for me, and it is a promotion from what I'm currently doing as well. I'll be managing and taking on more responsibility. It is more money too which is always nice.

I also started seeing my old therapist this past month. It was kind of funny because I told her I was having a hard time getting over the miscarriage and she looked at me like I was crazy. It was so nice to feel validated in my grief. I hadn't been allowing myself validation and it was like I finally got permission. Going to see her is really helping things.

My levels are still at 0 and I'll go mid-December for my next check. We will probably go off the pill some time in March or April of next year, but who knows....life has a tendency of getting in the way. In the mean time the waiting still remains like a kind of daily torture. I sit and watch all my friends become mothers and it is painful. The holidays make things a bit harder too. This is my favorite time of year and I was so looking forward to it being that much more exciting because of the pregnancy.

The other day I saw a picture of an actress who is due in February and it felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I guess the thing that therapy has been teaching me is that although I think that is a crazy reaction to have 3 months post miscarriage, it's actually pretty normal.

So, with all this waiting I'm not sure what direction the blog will begin to take.....I guess it should be interesting to find out!

been a while...

hi, well.......... it's been a while. The past couple of weeks have gone by very quickly, so I hadn't realized that it had been so long. How I've missed you!

So, the career conundrum is no longer a conundrum. I spoke with my boss and am going to start looking for something new. My commute is killing me and she really understood. Of course, the fact that she was so cool makes it that much harder to decide to leave. I have a bunch of opportunities right now, so I'm just really hoping to find the right thing. As far as my mood has gone, it's been more stressed then depressed. I think that I've replaced one with the other though and that isn't such a good thing. I'm going to see a counselor this week to hopefully help me put things back into perspective. This has just been a rough year all around and I think I could use some of that perspective stuff. I still get angry when I see pregnant women, and I still ache when I see a baby, but not with the same sense of despair as before. So, things are looking better, right?

I think the path has become clearer through my job decision. I've always been focused on my career, and now that we have to wait to get pregnant again, I can 're-focus' on that effort and really make my footprint with a new company before I would have a baby. That would put us in a better situation overall since I'm the breadwinner of the family. As I look at new opportunities, I'm trying to keep the bigger picture in mind since in the end this will all effect my overall happiness. Hopefully in the long run, it works!

Career conundrum

First I guess the health stuff...my levels have finally reached zero. This is great news, and now I can start going in for my blood tests once a month. Going every week was really getting old, so I'm glad that is over. Now for my career conundrum. An opportunity for a new job presented itself earlier this week. I am currently a contractor and was planning on going full time in November at my current job because a) I like my boss b) I like my co-workers c) It keeps me busy so the day goes by quickly and d) It isn't too stressful/challenging. All these things made it the perfect job for a soon to be mom. Well, I'm no where near a soon to be mom anymore thanks to those good old molar cells. I wasn't thinking of leaving my job, but an opportunity for a much higher level position came across my desk this week and it got me thinking that maybe I should consider a move now. I have the wait to get pregnant, so I can put the focus back on my career. It's a big choice and I'm really struggling with it. I have the interview on Friday, so I'm hoping that will help me see if I want to make a change.

Other than that life has been boring...just waiting and watching all the pregnant ladies pass me by....

Surprise...doing well!

Seeing my friend and her new baby was actually not as bad as I expected. My husband and I went by after work and one of her co-workers who I've met before was there. The co-worker was holding the baby when we arrived and I sat down next to her to get a look. After a few minutes she asked if I wanted to hold the baby. My friend, the new mom, was like, "no one has to hold the baby though if they don't want to...I never liked holding newborns before I was pregnant!". I knew she was protecting me and it was really sweet and meant the world to me. What an awesome friend...I already knew it, but that was just so cool! I ended up holding the baby for a while and it was hard, but kind of nice all at the same time.

I keep trying to think how this just wasn't my time, but then I think of how far along I would have been and it just kills me. I still feel heartbroken about the whole thing. Still, my husband and I are trying to just enjoy the time we have and I'm taking up new hobbies. I still do a lot of crying over things, but hopefully my time will come soon. My husband said a while back that when I get pregnant I'll be the only one and it will be more special...It was so sweet!

Time heals all wounds I guess, but time sure does move slower when you are waiting...

baby central

Well, my neighbor who happens to be one of our dearest friends has given birth to a healthy baby boy. I'm thrilled for her and her husband. She was lucky enough to have a very easy delivery and sounded great when I talked to her this morning. Her husband asked if I wanted to come with him to the hospital to see them, but I told him I just couldn't take it. It is just too much for me to go to the hospital where I was supposed to deliver and see all those babies. I feel terrible for not going, but I really think he understood.

I am in a very deep depression. Just last week my levels sunk down to 3, and anything below 5 is considered 0. I think that the falling hormones along with the arrival of my first period since the second d&c have put me in a tail spin. And as happy as I am for my friends, knowing there will be a newborn here every day to see doesn't help things any.

To top it all off my husband is out of town this weekend.

Tonight I have a friend and cousin coming over to hang out and hopefully that will make me feel better. I am beginning to seriously consider looking into some counseling to help me through all this. Everyone grieves differently, but this is just getting ridiculous.

ups and downs

My levels were down to 17 this week....really great news! I'm really hoping when I go in on Tuesday they are down to 0. Going in and getting blood taken every week is getting old fast!

I've been really down the past few days and I'm not sure why. I'm trying to fill my time up with positive things but I just can't seem to get rid of this overall feeling of sadness. I've been taking a knitting class and redecorating the house. Both of which I really enjoy, but I'm still just down. Then today I found out my cousin is pregnant with her 4th child. It's actually pretty crazy because her first 3 were all IVF and she just recently had twins (a result of the IVF)! So the fact she got pregnant on her own is really a miracle. I'm happy for her but sad for me. Same shit, different day. It seems like everyone around me is pregnant and it just really gets to me no matter how hard I try not to let it get me down. I have a feeling this will be a long year.

Desperately seeking baby

I find that I'm really starting to resent taking my birth control pills every night. I don't want to be preventing pregnancy, I want to be pregnant. It seems everywhere I look someone is getting pregnant or having a baby. Why can't I be part of that club? I really really just want to be a mom...I'm ready for this. I want to see my husband be a father and be a parent with him. It really consumes me and is most of what I think about on any given day.

These thoughts get me on an even crazier track where I start to say, "fuck what the doctors say, let's just get pregnant anyway". I actually said that to my husband last night and his response was, "so you are smarter than the doctors? They are wrong and you are right?".
My husband is, of course, right. The doctors have been wonderful, and I really believe that they have my best interests at heart.

Is thinking about getting pregnant all the time normal? There are so many other things in life to think about. I was at an arts festival this weekend and saw someone pushing the stroller we had wanted. Jealousy raged. I read other blogs and see the women who have had a hard time getting/staying pregnant making their happy announcements and while I'm happy for them, I'm so sad for me. I don't like it, but I just can't seem to help it.

HCG happy dance

weeee....I just got the call....my hcg was 148. That is down from almost 6000 last week! Finally some good news!

Hell week

Well, this has been a hell week. I'm not sure how to get all this out, so I'll just give day to day events as they unfolded.

Monday: see last post

Tuesday: Still really down about the molar pregnancy. I got home that night and started cramping really terribly. At this point I'm on day 11 of my period and it is just getting worse. Like an idiot I don't call my OB and have hubby drive me to the ER where I had the WORST DOCTOR EVER. Seriously, he was an idiot. He gave me the most painful pelvic exam ever. He ordered an ultrasound and they found nothing, although my HCG levels showed I was pregnant according to him. He spews all this random shit that can be wrong with me and ignores anything I say. Sends me home with some percocet and few answers. asshole.

Wednesday: HCG levels come back from the doctor. They are 5800....very high. We discuss the ER trip and they say if it gets bad again to call. I wake up in the middle of the night to horrible cramps and the worst bleeding I've ever experienced. I call the doc and he tells me to lay down, drink of bunch of water and take some motrin to help the bleeding. If it stays bad to call again. I call again an hour later, since the bleeding has lightened up a bit he recommends I follow up the next day with my doc. Otherwise he'd do an emergency d&c that night. I decide to wait it out. I finally sleep.

Thursday: Follow up with my regular doc. He orders another ultrasound and it looks like there might be some retained tissue. He sees me at the office and says we should do another d&c. We schedule an O/R for Friday.

Friday: Surgery.

I spent the weekend on the sofa in my pj's with a heating pad and in a decent amount of pain. Having 2 d&c's so close together is NOT fun. It is now Tuesday and I'm still having quite a bit of discomfort. My abdomen is very sore and I'm still really exhausted from the events of last week. My hcg draw was this morning and we'll get the results back tomorrow. I'll be sure to let you know what happens there.

more bad news

I just got the call from my doc that my recent loss was a partial molar. The doc called me this morning with the news.

I also got my records mailed to me last week. The loss was a triploidy partial molar. What they think happened is that 2 sperm fertilized the egg and instead of splitting into twins, it all rolled in to one pregancy so the baby had an extra set of chromasomes.

It was a girl.

I have to go in tomorrow morning to get my hcg beta checked. This will happen every week until it reaches 0 and then I'll go once a month. The issue with molar pregnancies is that the cells can come back and grow as cancer. Luckily with a partial molar the chances of cancer with those is pretty rare. In any case he is putting me back on birth control pills. We should wait a year to get pregnant again, but he did say that some people only wait 6 months (not that he reccomended it, just that they do....wink wink).

I am so devastated. All I wanted was to have a baby. Why is that so much to ask for?

Period

Well, it’s official. My first period since the d&c has arrived. It came lightly on Friday and then reared its’ UGLY head Saturday afternoon. It is more emotional that I thought it would be. It is also much more painful then I thought it would be, and I’m really wishing there were still some Tylenol with codeine left from the surgery.

I went to a baby shower on Saturday for my dear friend and neighbor who is due at the end of September. What in the hell was I thinking? She knows what has been going on and would have totally understood had I not gone. In the end, I think I really had something to prove to myself (I’m fine and moving on…it’s been a month after all; how long can you mourn a dead baby you never knew?). On the one hand it felt really good to be there for her. I am very happy for her (extremely jealous, but happy for her all the same). It was so hard to be there…baby decorations, baby games, baby gifts, a three week old baby and lots of baby talk. Between that and my period I ended up spending most of the weekend depressed.

Then there was the party we were supposed to go to on Sunday. My husband’s co-workers were having a party. Most of them knew about the pregnancy, but since he is a teacher I don’t think the word has gotten out over the summer that we lost the baby. I stood in the closet deciding what to wear and freaked out. I became overcome with fear that someone would congratulate me, or the people that knew would say something that they think is comforting, but really just isn’t. In the end I just couldn’t handle it so we stayed home. I felt bad too because my husband would have really liked to have gone, but he didn’t want to leave me at home alone and sad. He is a wonderful man and a wonderful support for me.

I finally got my homocystine levels back from the doctor, and they looked good. The doctor gave me the information to call into the perinatologist for my pre-pregnancy consult. We have to wait yet another month before they can see us. I understand they are very busy, but the appointment is 2 months to the day since I had my d&c and that just seems like an eternity to have to wait.

I’ve come to terms with the face that we have challenges ahead, but I really just want to know the game plan so we can move forward and not be left in limbo. It’s been hard to occupy my time with other things since all of this baby stuff is on my mind a lot. We are doing a lot of work on our house…it’s as if we are still nesting without the baby. We also bought some exercise equipment, so I am going to start working out again. Of course, that is baby related as well because my ulterior motive is to get into shape to offer a better “house” for the next baby. A friend and I signed up for a knitting class…I’ve always wanted to learn to, but now I have the time to and I can knit something for my baby when I’m pregnant again. Will the obsession stop?


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Some good news please???

I have a co-worker who found out she was pregnant shortly after me. Our due dates were only two weeks apart. I was concerned about her being worried for her own pregnancy when she found out I had miscarried, and of course was also concerned about seeing her on the same timeline every day. She is a doll though and has been very understanding.

Her first sonogram was scheduled for yesterday. This morning she wasn't here. I called her and she found out that the baby died. My heart is broken for her. What were the chances that this would happen to us both?

Being that I just posted on jealousy of other pregnant women, this news has given me great pause. I was jealous of her yesterday, and today I am grieving with her. I guess it is a reminder that we are all really just a moment away from being the same.

Jealousy

Jealousy. It's not one of my favorite emotions and I'm not the kind of person that is jealous very often. Of course, that has all changed in the past couple of weeks. When we first learned of the miscarriage, people often asked if it was hard for me to be around pregnant women. I said no...being pregnant sucked and I didn't really envy them. I mean, I was not feeling well most of my pregnancy, and so I didn't feel jealous of that feeling at first. That has all changed.

Now when I see pregnant women I feel jealous. It seems like a delayed reaction, but I can't help it. I want what they have. Badly. It is such a strong jealousy that there is almost a physical reaction that comes with it. I suppose it is one of those things that will pass in time like everything else.

My husband and I went to a Christening yesterday. It was little hard, but I got through it okay. I find that going to events where I will see people that don't know about the miscarriage makes me very nervous. I get really worried that they will ask me about when we plan on having kids. It seems like that has become such an acceptable questions for strangers to ask these days. I find it very uncomfortable and disarming. Do I answer, "we hope to have kids one day" or "well, it's a little soon considering I recently suffered a miscarriage"? Part of me thinks that if they ask you an uncomfortable question you should throw the discomfort back at them. At the same time, I would have hated to cause a problem at some one else's special event. I guess as the question is asked of me over time I'll come up with some kind of answer that works. In the mean time I'll just live in fear of the asking.

Some History

So some quick history. I got pregnant in college, well right after I graduated actually. I found out and miscarried 2 days later. There isn't much more information than that. In the end, although sad, it was for the best. No, that sounds so hard. I was really devastated at the time. It's just that I really wasn't ready to be a mother either. So, in this case, looking back this was "for the best."

Fast forward. I got married almost 3 years ago. In May my husband and I decided to really start trying for a baby. We got pregnant on the first try. I always knew that we were winners! We were both really excited (once we got out of the dear in headlights phase that is). Since I was really worried about another miscarriage, my OB was nice enough to give me a early sonogram and we saw a heart beat at 7 weeks. It was very very cool. No, that doesn't quite describe it. It was really fucking amazing. Okay, so eloquence is not my thing.

So, ten days after the sonogram I went for my regular appointment and we found out that there was no heart beat. This was the first appointment I didn't bring my husband to. I had to call him and tell him to meet me a the sonogram place. The doc wanted a second ultrasound just to be sure. It just sucked.

I was scheduled for a d&c a few days later. Since this is my second miscarriage the doctor decided to send the "tissue" out for genetic testing. I must say, I like tissue better than "products of conception", but let's call it what it really is. He sent the embryo out for testing to see if he could tell what went wrong.

Two days ago, we found out that I tested positive for the MTHFR genetic mutation. We will have to go see a specialist to discuss what the next steps are there. I don't have much more info than that right now.

I am also waiting for a final report on whether or not this is a partial molar pregnancy. If that is the case, we'll have to wait a year before we can try again because the cells can come back and become cancerous.

This is so not how things were supposed to be. We were supposed to have a baby. I was going to get a cute belly. We were going to decorate a nursery.

So now we wait. Wait for test results. Wait for information. Wait for more doctor appointments.

Welcome

Hi there, and welcome.

I suffered a miscarriage 3 weeks ago. Actually it is my second, although only a few people know I had one back in college.

So why did I decide to start a blog? Well, I've been reading other blogs out there from women in similar situations and since I don't do well on the touchy-feely message boards, this seemed like a good way to get out of my head.

I don't really know who will read this, or even if I will share that I am doing this with others in my life. (Of course, I will tell hubby...I just can't keep secrets from him). So, if you come here and read, I hope you enjoy.