Jealousy

Jealousy. It's not one of my favorite emotions and I'm not the kind of person that is jealous very often. Of course, that has all changed in the past couple of weeks. When we first learned of the miscarriage, people often asked if it was hard for me to be around pregnant women. I said no...being pregnant sucked and I didn't really envy them. I mean, I was not feeling well most of my pregnancy, and so I didn't feel jealous of that feeling at first. That has all changed.

Now when I see pregnant women I feel jealous. It seems like a delayed reaction, but I can't help it. I want what they have. Badly. It is such a strong jealousy that there is almost a physical reaction that comes with it. I suppose it is one of those things that will pass in time like everything else.

My husband and I went to a Christening yesterday. It was little hard, but I got through it okay. I find that going to events where I will see people that don't know about the miscarriage makes me very nervous. I get really worried that they will ask me about when we plan on having kids. It seems like that has become such an acceptable questions for strangers to ask these days. I find it very uncomfortable and disarming. Do I answer, "we hope to have kids one day" or "well, it's a little soon considering I recently suffered a miscarriage"? Part of me thinks that if they ask you an uncomfortable question you should throw the discomfort back at them. At the same time, I would have hated to cause a problem at some one else's special event. I guess as the question is asked of me over time I'll come up with some kind of answer that works. In the mean time I'll just live in fear of the asking.