Period

Well, it’s official. My first period since the d&c has arrived. It came lightly on Friday and then reared its’ UGLY head Saturday afternoon. It is more emotional that I thought it would be. It is also much more painful then I thought it would be, and I’m really wishing there were still some Tylenol with codeine left from the surgery.

I went to a baby shower on Saturday for my dear friend and neighbor who is due at the end of September. What in the hell was I thinking? She knows what has been going on and would have totally understood had I not gone. In the end, I think I really had something to prove to myself (I’m fine and moving on…it’s been a month after all; how long can you mourn a dead baby you never knew?). On the one hand it felt really good to be there for her. I am very happy for her (extremely jealous, but happy for her all the same). It was so hard to be there…baby decorations, baby games, baby gifts, a three week old baby and lots of baby talk. Between that and my period I ended up spending most of the weekend depressed.

Then there was the party we were supposed to go to on Sunday. My husband’s co-workers were having a party. Most of them knew about the pregnancy, but since he is a teacher I don’t think the word has gotten out over the summer that we lost the baby. I stood in the closet deciding what to wear and freaked out. I became overcome with fear that someone would congratulate me, or the people that knew would say something that they think is comforting, but really just isn’t. In the end I just couldn’t handle it so we stayed home. I felt bad too because my husband would have really liked to have gone, but he didn’t want to leave me at home alone and sad. He is a wonderful man and a wonderful support for me.

I finally got my homocystine levels back from the doctor, and they looked good. The doctor gave me the information to call into the perinatologist for my pre-pregnancy consult. We have to wait yet another month before they can see us. I understand they are very busy, but the appointment is 2 months to the day since I had my d&c and that just seems like an eternity to have to wait.

I’ve come to terms with the face that we have challenges ahead, but I really just want to know the game plan so we can move forward and not be left in limbo. It’s been hard to occupy my time with other things since all of this baby stuff is on my mind a lot. We are doing a lot of work on our house…it’s as if we are still nesting without the baby. We also bought some exercise equipment, so I am going to start working out again. Of course, that is baby related as well because my ulterior motive is to get into shape to offer a better “house” for the next baby. A friend and I signed up for a knitting class…I’ve always wanted to learn to, but now I have the time to and I can knit something for my baby when I’m pregnant again. Will the obsession stop?


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