My levels were zero again this month which means I am not pregnant. This also means that I will not be needing chemo. Merry Christmas to me. This should make me happy, and it really does, but I'd rather just be 7-8 months pregnant right now like I was supposed to be.
My bitterness is there under the surface and so much more noticeable over this time of holiday cheer. This year I lost my baby, had said baby sucked out of me (twice), watched two friends have their first babies and experience a joy that was ripped away from me (one of said babies was also born on my birthday), found out my infertile cousin is pregnant with a naturally conceived surprise baby after two rounds of successful invitro, found out my friend who miscarried two weeks after me is pregnant again, changed jobs (twice), found out I can't get pregnant for quite some time and might have issues carrying babies to term.
Merry fucking Christmas.
I do have a lot to be greatful for in my life. I have a wonderful husband, a job that pays well and I enjoy, a terrific dog. I have a great house that I just finished decorating and that I love. I have a closet full of nice clothes. I have my health. Still, all I want for Christmas was the life that I had in me and was taken away from me. So, I'll go and put on the obligatory Christmas cheer and pray by this time next year I am a mom, of a healthy baby.
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