hard at home

I've been down ever since I got my period this week. It seems hardest at home. I've come to realized that it's hard at home because that is where I feel emptiest. It's really strange. I have a great house, job, husband, dog...there are truly many wonderful things in my life. The only thing that is missing is a child and it's when I'm home that I feel that missing piece the most.

I've really been at a place of peace for a while now, but this week I just feel empty. The milestones are hard. I passed my due date in Feb, and not getting pregnant this last cycle put my out of the running for a 2007 baby.

It's bad when I go home. That is the place that I want to have be filled with the joy of children, but it's just me and my husband. I'm so greatful for everything in my life, but there is just this one thing missing from it. My husband has been wonderfully supportive and understanding. I'm just so frustrated at myself that I'm feeling this way. Especially after being okay for so long now.

more period

Well, I got my period again this month. We've only been trying for two months but we've been waiting for so long since the last miscarriage. If I don't get pregnant this cycle, my next cycle will be the same one I got pregnant with last summer. Almost a whole year has gone by since I got pregnant.

I'm not devastated, but I am disappointed. I'm just really ready to be a Mom and want it with every ounce of who I am.

Period

It arrived this morning with a vengeance and some nasty cramping. I'm actually okay with it. I would have thought it would make me upset, but it doesn't. It's just really nice to finally know one way or the other. I checked a due date calendar for this month and I'd be due the 29th of December if I got pregnant this month. I love the holiday season and that is kind of exciting! Here's hoping this is our month!

DH and I are going out of town for a couple of days for a little getaway and that will be right around when I should be ovulating, so I'm really hopeful!

waiting

Well, about a month ago I went in for my annual exam and the doctor said we could start trying again. This was a big surprise and we are both very excited and scared.

I am a couple of days late as of this writing and have not had a positive test yet. I'm not sure if I'm pregnant, but would really like to know one way or the other. It's so easy to get obsessive in the 2 week wait.

Still, I wonder, if I am pregnant, will it make me feel better? Then I'll just be waiting for the first trimester to end...then to find out the sex, and then to meet the little bugger. I suppose I'm starting to realize more and more that from the very start of the process, becoming a parent is a long and sometimes painful lesson in patience.

I'm still trying to find mine.

The worst thing ever said

I’m not sure if I wrote about this before, but the day after I found out the baby died last year, I spoke with my mother. My husband called her the day we found out to tell her, and the next day I gave her a call to talk. She suffered 5 miscarriages herself and I thought she would be a big source of comfort.

When we spoke, she said the worst thing to me anyone had said. She said, “Well, maybe we didn’t love it enough”. Now, there are a lot of ways she could have meant this, but there isn’t a single one that is right. When you have a miscarriage you learn to deal with all of the stupid things that people say to you. You just really don’t expect the stupid things to come from your family.

I let it go at the time. I was too out of it and drained to stir something up over it. The result of that comment though was quite a bit of withdrawal on my part from my mother. She and I have had a somewhat rocky relationship over the years, so this withdrawal has only compounded that for her.

Yesterday she sent me a nasty e-mail about me not calling enough and other various things. She has a tendency of doing that to me every so often. I called her this morning to address them and she brought up my lack of speaking with her about my miscarriage. I told her why. She has no recollection of ever saying such a thing.

The idea of trying again has really brought up some issues for me as to how I want to define my relationship with my mother. What do you think?

coming to a place of peace

I think I'm coming into a place of peace. I'm days away from my due date and as I get closer it seems like I come more and more to terms with things. It is still hard sometimes, but I'm okay with it being hard and that makes a big difference. I think it also is helpful that we plan on starting to try again in April. I don't know that I'll ever fully get over my loss and I hate that it will taint my future pregnancies. I just hope that it does offer me more appreciation when the time does come for all that motherhood will bring.

ups and downs

It seems that I cant make up my mind if I'm okay or not lately. Today is such a bad day for me. My cousin called yesterday to tell me she is pregnant. I'm happy for her. I feel it is so important to say that before I go off on my selfish tirade. Seriously, another fucking pregnant person. This has put me in such a bad place. To top it all off my husband and I are fighting. None of these things bother him...this news doesn't phase him at all. The face that I would have been due in 6 weeks means nothing. For me these are devastating reminders of what we have lost. Neither of us seems to be able to understand where the other is coming from. I'm tired and sick of being sad about this and I'm even more tired of fighting about it.

glad that's over

I'm feeling much more positive now that Christmas is over. This week has been pretty light at work, and I've finally been able to come down from the holiday craziness. We plan on starting to try again in March and now that we are closer to that I somehow am feeling better. I have a goal of getting in shape before we start trying again and have lost 5 lbs so far. They will probably come right back on after the holiday, but that's okay because I can get back on track.

I'm also going to try and see another OB before we start trying again just to help things along. I think a second opinion on the molar and MTHFR issues is probably a good idea.

Merry Christmas

My levels were zero again this month which means I am not pregnant. This also means that I will not be needing chemo. Merry Christmas to me. This should make me happy, and it really does, but I'd rather just be 7-8 months pregnant right now like I was supposed to be.

My bitterness is there under the surface and so much more noticeable over this time of holiday cheer. This year I lost my baby, had said baby sucked out of me (twice), watched two friends have their first babies and experience a joy that was ripped away from me (one of said babies was also born on my birthday), found out my infertile cousin is pregnant with a naturally conceived surprise baby after two rounds of successful invitro, found out my friend who miscarried two weeks after me is pregnant again, changed jobs (twice), found out I can't get pregnant for quite some time and might have issues carrying babies to term.

Merry fucking Christmas.

I do have a lot to be greatful for in my life. I have a wonderful husband, a job that pays well and I enjoy, a terrific dog. I have a great house that I just finished decorating and that I love. I have a closet full of nice clothes. I have my health. Still, all I want for Christmas was the life that I had in me and was taken away from me. So, I'll go and put on the obligatory Christmas cheer and pray by this time next year I am a mom, of a healthy baby.

less bitter

Well, I'm a bit less bitter than I was on my last post. Seeing my therapist of course helped. I think I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that this is just hard, and going to be hard.

My co-worker that miscarried right after me just found out she is pregnant again. She e-mailed me this morning to let me know. I am happy for her, and her e-mail was nice, saying how she understood that the news is not easy for me to hear. I know she gets it and that makes it a little easier. I feel for her because she is so nervous something will go wrong again this time. Still, how I wish it were me.

I had my beta drawn yesterday as I must do every month. I should get the results today, but I feel pretty confident we are okay because I got my period and I'm not on the pill this month. If my hcg was up, I don't think I would have gotten it.

Christmas is on Monday and I'm just not in the spirit this year. Frankly, I just really want this year to be over....I really am ready to start fresh. I have been working out and trying to loose weight to hopefully be a little slimmer for the next pregnancy. I think we'll start trying in April, so that gives me a few more months to get there.

My DH will be coming to my next therapy appointment with me and I think it might help us out a bit. We've been a bit disconnected because we deal with the miscarriage so differently. I suppose in some ways that is normal, but it's getting old fast.

trying not to think about it doesn't work either

Well, it's yet again been ages since I've posted. I was in therapy and things were going well so I decided the best thing to do was avoid everything that reminded me of my miscarriage. No websites, no blogging, not really talking about it much. Well, on my birthday (of course) some friends of ours had their first child. I asked my husband to call them and see how things were going, and this past Saturday I asked if he ever got a hold of them. He said yes, two days before and that they had the baby on my birthday. I was furious! I know he was trying to protect me but seriously!

Well, I got sent the pictures this morning and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Their baby is only 2 and half months older than mind would have been. I'm in my office just wanting to sit and cry for an hour and I can't. Why is it that when we have a miscarriage, all our friends are having their first babies!? I mean isn't it bad enough that my baby died and i have to wait to try again? I think I'll write more later, right now I just really don't have anything to say.

long month

Sorry for being away for so long. It's been a rather long month and I've been a bad blogger.
I suppose I'll begin with the job stuff since that is where I last left off. I have accepted a new position and start my new job on Monday! It was quite an ordeal because I had two really strong offers, so deciding which to take was really stressful. Then, in the midst of deciding and interviewing, my husband's grandmother died. She was in her mid -80s and her health had been failing the past couple of years. Still, she was an amazing woman and we were all very saddened to see her pass.

Hubby and I were supposed to go out of town for a little anniversary trip the weekend she died. We had been planning since right before I had the second d&c. We had to cancel of course, and although we didn't want to go because of the circumstances, both of us were really disappointed. It had been the trip through all our stress of the past few months that we had been so looking forward to. We are going to try and reschedule..

I'm excited about the new job. I think the challenge will be a nice distraction for me, and it is a promotion from what I'm currently doing as well. I'll be managing and taking on more responsibility. It is more money too which is always nice.

I also started seeing my old therapist this past month. It was kind of funny because I told her I was having a hard time getting over the miscarriage and she looked at me like I was crazy. It was so nice to feel validated in my grief. I hadn't been allowing myself validation and it was like I finally got permission. Going to see her is really helping things.

My levels are still at 0 and I'll go mid-December for my next check. We will probably go off the pill some time in March or April of next year, but who knows....life has a tendency of getting in the way. In the mean time the waiting still remains like a kind of daily torture. I sit and watch all my friends become mothers and it is painful. The holidays make things a bit harder too. This is my favorite time of year and I was so looking forward to it being that much more exciting because of the pregnancy.

The other day I saw a picture of an actress who is due in February and it felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I guess the thing that therapy has been teaching me is that although I think that is a crazy reaction to have 3 months post miscarriage, it's actually pretty normal.

So, with all this waiting I'm not sure what direction the blog will begin to take.....I guess it should be interesting to find out!

been a while...

hi, well.......... it's been a while. The past couple of weeks have gone by very quickly, so I hadn't realized that it had been so long. How I've missed you!

So, the career conundrum is no longer a conundrum. I spoke with my boss and am going to start looking for something new. My commute is killing me and she really understood. Of course, the fact that she was so cool makes it that much harder to decide to leave. I have a bunch of opportunities right now, so I'm just really hoping to find the right thing. As far as my mood has gone, it's been more stressed then depressed. I think that I've replaced one with the other though and that isn't such a good thing. I'm going to see a counselor this week to hopefully help me put things back into perspective. This has just been a rough year all around and I think I could use some of that perspective stuff. I still get angry when I see pregnant women, and I still ache when I see a baby, but not with the same sense of despair as before. So, things are looking better, right?

I think the path has become clearer through my job decision. I've always been focused on my career, and now that we have to wait to get pregnant again, I can 're-focus' on that effort and really make my footprint with a new company before I would have a baby. That would put us in a better situation overall since I'm the breadwinner of the family. As I look at new opportunities, I'm trying to keep the bigger picture in mind since in the end this will all effect my overall happiness. Hopefully in the long run, it works!

Career conundrum

First I guess the health stuff...my levels have finally reached zero. This is great news, and now I can start going in for my blood tests once a month. Going every week was really getting old, so I'm glad that is over. Now for my career conundrum. An opportunity for a new job presented itself earlier this week. I am currently a contractor and was planning on going full time in November at my current job because a) I like my boss b) I like my co-workers c) It keeps me busy so the day goes by quickly and d) It isn't too stressful/challenging. All these things made it the perfect job for a soon to be mom. Well, I'm no where near a soon to be mom anymore thanks to those good old molar cells. I wasn't thinking of leaving my job, but an opportunity for a much higher level position came across my desk this week and it got me thinking that maybe I should consider a move now. I have the wait to get pregnant, so I can put the focus back on my career. It's a big choice and I'm really struggling with it. I have the interview on Friday, so I'm hoping that will help me see if I want to make a change.

Other than that life has been boring...just waiting and watching all the pregnant ladies pass me by....

Surprise...doing well!

Seeing my friend and her new baby was actually not as bad as I expected. My husband and I went by after work and one of her co-workers who I've met before was there. The co-worker was holding the baby when we arrived and I sat down next to her to get a look. After a few minutes she asked if I wanted to hold the baby. My friend, the new mom, was like, "no one has to hold the baby though if they don't want to...I never liked holding newborns before I was pregnant!". I knew she was protecting me and it was really sweet and meant the world to me. What an awesome friend...I already knew it, but that was just so cool! I ended up holding the baby for a while and it was hard, but kind of nice all at the same time.

I keep trying to think how this just wasn't my time, but then I think of how far along I would have been and it just kills me. I still feel heartbroken about the whole thing. Still, my husband and I are trying to just enjoy the time we have and I'm taking up new hobbies. I still do a lot of crying over things, but hopefully my time will come soon. My husband said a while back that when I get pregnant I'll be the only one and it will be more special...It was so sweet!

Time heals all wounds I guess, but time sure does move slower when you are waiting...

baby central

Well, my neighbor who happens to be one of our dearest friends has given birth to a healthy baby boy. I'm thrilled for her and her husband. She was lucky enough to have a very easy delivery and sounded great when I talked to her this morning. Her husband asked if I wanted to come with him to the hospital to see them, but I told him I just couldn't take it. It is just too much for me to go to the hospital where I was supposed to deliver and see all those babies. I feel terrible for not going, but I really think he understood.

I am in a very deep depression. Just last week my levels sunk down to 3, and anything below 5 is considered 0. I think that the falling hormones along with the arrival of my first period since the second d&c have put me in a tail spin. And as happy as I am for my friends, knowing there will be a newborn here every day to see doesn't help things any.

To top it all off my husband is out of town this weekend.

Tonight I have a friend and cousin coming over to hang out and hopefully that will make me feel better. I am beginning to seriously consider looking into some counseling to help me through all this. Everyone grieves differently, but this is just getting ridiculous.

ups and downs

My levels were down to 17 this week....really great news! I'm really hoping when I go in on Tuesday they are down to 0. Going in and getting blood taken every week is getting old fast!

I've been really down the past few days and I'm not sure why. I'm trying to fill my time up with positive things but I just can't seem to get rid of this overall feeling of sadness. I've been taking a knitting class and redecorating the house. Both of which I really enjoy, but I'm still just down. Then today I found out my cousin is pregnant with her 4th child. It's actually pretty crazy because her first 3 were all IVF and she just recently had twins (a result of the IVF)! So the fact she got pregnant on her own is really a miracle. I'm happy for her but sad for me. Same shit, different day. It seems like everyone around me is pregnant and it just really gets to me no matter how hard I try not to let it get me down. I have a feeling this will be a long year.

Desperately seeking baby

I find that I'm really starting to resent taking my birth control pills every night. I don't want to be preventing pregnancy, I want to be pregnant. It seems everywhere I look someone is getting pregnant or having a baby. Why can't I be part of that club? I really really just want to be a mom...I'm ready for this. I want to see my husband be a father and be a parent with him. It really consumes me and is most of what I think about on any given day.

These thoughts get me on an even crazier track where I start to say, "fuck what the doctors say, let's just get pregnant anyway". I actually said that to my husband last night and his response was, "so you are smarter than the doctors? They are wrong and you are right?".
My husband is, of course, right. The doctors have been wonderful, and I really believe that they have my best interests at heart.

Is thinking about getting pregnant all the time normal? There are so many other things in life to think about. I was at an arts festival this weekend and saw someone pushing the stroller we had wanted. Jealousy raged. I read other blogs and see the women who have had a hard time getting/staying pregnant making their happy announcements and while I'm happy for them, I'm so sad for me. I don't like it, but I just can't seem to help it.

HCG happy dance

weeee....I just got the call....my hcg was 148. That is down from almost 6000 last week! Finally some good news!

Hell week

Well, this has been a hell week. I'm not sure how to get all this out, so I'll just give day to day events as they unfolded.

Monday: see last post

Tuesday: Still really down about the molar pregnancy. I got home that night and started cramping really terribly. At this point I'm on day 11 of my period and it is just getting worse. Like an idiot I don't call my OB and have hubby drive me to the ER where I had the WORST DOCTOR EVER. Seriously, he was an idiot. He gave me the most painful pelvic exam ever. He ordered an ultrasound and they found nothing, although my HCG levels showed I was pregnant according to him. He spews all this random shit that can be wrong with me and ignores anything I say. Sends me home with some percocet and few answers. asshole.

Wednesday: HCG levels come back from the doctor. They are 5800....very high. We discuss the ER trip and they say if it gets bad again to call. I wake up in the middle of the night to horrible cramps and the worst bleeding I've ever experienced. I call the doc and he tells me to lay down, drink of bunch of water and take some motrin to help the bleeding. If it stays bad to call again. I call again an hour later, since the bleeding has lightened up a bit he recommends I follow up the next day with my doc. Otherwise he'd do an emergency d&c that night. I decide to wait it out. I finally sleep.

Thursday: Follow up with my regular doc. He orders another ultrasound and it looks like there might be some retained tissue. He sees me at the office and says we should do another d&c. We schedule an O/R for Friday.

Friday: Surgery.

I spent the weekend on the sofa in my pj's with a heating pad and in a decent amount of pain. Having 2 d&c's so close together is NOT fun. It is now Tuesday and I'm still having quite a bit of discomfort. My abdomen is very sore and I'm still really exhausted from the events of last week. My hcg draw was this morning and we'll get the results back tomorrow. I'll be sure to let you know what happens there.