12 week appointment

So, I had my 12 week appt yesterday. We scheduled it a bit early (I'm 11 weeks 4 days) because we are on vacation this upcoming week. Anyway, she couldn't find the h/b on doppler which would have totally freaked me out, but I had already found it at home. Luckily, since she couldn't find it I got another sono! It was so cool to see the baby again. I've basically had a sono every couple of weeks now which has given me such relief.

The only bad news it that I am borderline anemic which she isn't too worried about. I just need to start trying to eat more iron rich foods. (The steak she suggested is out though because I'm a vegetarian.) I also lost 2 lbs the past 2 weeks which she was not very happy about. Hopefully I'll start gaining soon! (never thought I'd say that!).

My NT screen is a week from Monday too, so I get to see our bean again! I need to start scanning the sonogram pictures soon!

I' m off to the beach for vacation tomorrow and can't wait. I'll post something after the NT screen once we get back.

home doppler heartbeat!

Well, I checked online to track the package and my doppler rental arrived today. I was crawling out of my skin wanting to get home and use it. I finally got home from work and after a few frustrating minutes found our baby's heartbeat! It was glorious and I'm so relieved and happy. It's like receiving good news you want to call and tell the world about! Good stuff!

Cat is out of the bag!

Well, the cat is out of the bag! We announced to our families this weekend. They are all very thrilled and happy for us. For some reason announcing our news has made me even more nervous. I just fear having to un-tell people again.

My next doctor appointment is this Thursday and I'm hoping we can get a heartbeat and have some relief. It's funny, I do really well for a few days after I see the doc, and then all the worry sets in until the next appointment. Since I had a missed last time, I have this huge fear that I'm walking around feeling and thinking I'm pregnant when in reality the baby is dead inside me. How horribly morbid, I know! Still, that is what happened last time, so having been down that road I can't help but to fear it with my whole being. I rented a doppler online and it should arrive today or tomorrow. Hopefully I can find a heartbeat quickly on that and be able to start breathing again.

I've been feeling pretty rough the past week and a half. Lots of dry heaves and just overall nausea. Of course, I'm not complaining. I'm greatful for it as I think it's a sign that all is well with the baby. Hopefully, I'm right!

change of plans

Well, it looks like we won't be sharing our big news this week after all. Before you freak out, I AM still pregnant. The reason we are holding off is because my mother is in the hospital. She suffers from mental illness and was feeling suicidal, so she was checked in at the end of last week. Being that she is in there, it just doesn't seem appropriate that we share our news yet. We'll wait until she comes home and do it then.

Other than that things are going well. I'm still pregnant as far as I know and anxiously awaiting my next doctor appointment. It's next Thursday and we should be able to hear the heartbeat on the doppler by then. That will be a huge relief for me and I'm looking forward to nearing the end of the first trimester. I think in another couple of weeks I'll really start being able to enjoy this whole pregnancy thing.

My old co-worker who miscarried right after me had her baby shower this past weekend. It was great to see her and I'm so excited for her success on this journey. It also helps give me hope that things can work out after a loss.

ultrasound

I had another u/s yesterday and it went great. The baby is still measuring a little behind, but consistent with my ovulation date. The heartbeat was 160. We are officially past the point when the baby died last time, so this is a huge relief.

We plan on telling our families next week. I'm very nervous about telling them, and question if it is too early, but I really think it's time. We were actually at my parents house last night and I almost slipped a couple of times. So, on the 4th of July we we share the big news.

I am really loving my new doc and my husband got to come with me yesterday and agreed that this practice is a much better fit for us. I'm finding it hard to beleive how well everything is going, but I'm not going to question a good thing. I'll just have to pinch myself every so often.

Husbands

My husband and I have been pretty introspective since I found out I was pregnant. I don't know if this is a coping mechanism or what, but it hasn't really bothered either of us too much. We just haven't been as connected as usual. We did go out this weekend on a nice date to dinner and a play. It was fun and something I think we both needed.

Lately, it's been really hard to talk to him about the pregnancy. Every time I have a fear about the pregnancy and express it to him, he gets freaked out. He acts like I have some magical crystal ball into the world of what is going on in my uterus. It pisses me off. I don't know just has much as he doesn't know, but I can't talk to him about my fears or having a bad day because it freaks him out. I explained this to him last night and I think he understands.

I have another sonogram tomorrow. This one was at my request to calm my nerves before we tell our families next week. I'm nervous about it. I'm hoping that it really will calm my nerves. It seems like I'm good for a week after a sono and then during that 2nd week wait I start to get freaked out. Hopefully I'll feel more positive after this one.

New doctor

Well, I found a new OB that I really like. My old practice was just too big, and I never really felt like an individual patient there. Every conversation I had with someone made me feel rushed....like they had better things to do than deal with me. So, I decided to meet with some other OB's. This new one is great! It's a small practice, so it's just her and her midwife and one other doc that just does GYN patients. They are looking to hire another OB as well. She spent 20 min just talking to me and getting to know me. I asked if I could get a sono before we tell the families and she has me scheduled for one the week before. She is awesome! It's like a weight is lifted off of me!

One thing she offered that the other practice didn't was NT screening for chromosomal abnormalities. My husband and I are opting to do this (so long as insurance will cover it). We would not terminate if there was something wrong, but if there is, we'd like to have time to prepare for the challenges it could present. I have to go in for that between 11-13 weeks, so that will be yet another sono as well!

We have decided to tell our families on July 4th. I think my parents will come over for DH's parents big party so it seems that would be a good time to tell them. I'll be 10 weeks. I'm pretty nervous to let the cat out of the bag, and it's a bit earlier than we had planned, but if all goes well on the next sonogram there's no reason not to tell.

I saw my therapist last night and kept refering to the pregnancy as "everything seems okay". She corrected me and said, "no, right now, everything is okay". So, I'll sign off saying Everything is okay.

Father's Day reflections

Last year on Father's Day we announced our pregnancy to our families. I was in my 4th week. Currently, I'm in the end of my 7th. We told them by having my husband wear a shirt that said, "world's greatest dad". It's so bittersweet now that that day is coming around the corner. We are going to wait for another 3 weeks or so to tell everyone. I'm nervous about it. They were so thrilled the last time, I fear that this time they won't be as excited. It wasn't just our innocence that was taken away, but theirs as well.

I want to give my husband something from the baby, but I'm not sure how appropriate that would be. I was thinking of a bib or onesie that says "I love my daddy". Part of me feels that is so cheezy though! I feel bad for him...this will be the second Father's day that I've been pregnant. I've never been pregnant on Mother's Day. I don't know which is worse.

Speaking of my husband, he is so wonderful. He bought tickets to a play I've been wanting to see. This isn't something we do very often and it was just really sweet and romantic. He said it was something we could do that wasn't smoky, didn't involve drinking, and we deserved it after all our recent stress. I really do have the best husband in the world.

I had a wonderful dream last night where I gave birth by c-section to a baby boy. My husband was there with me and we were blissfully happy. I breastfed and all the emotions and love I felt were so real in the dream. I hope dreams really are an indication of how things will go.

I have an appointment with a new OB practice on Monday to check them out. I like my doctor, but have had trouble getting test results and call backs in a timely manner. I just wanted to check out another for comparison. We'll see how it goes. I'm hoping that I like them. They are closer to home and deliver out of a hospital that is a bit nicer.

Right now I'm just trying to trust my baby, trust my body, and trust in God. I suppose that is all you really can do.

We have a heartbeat!

My DH and I just had our follow up sonogram this morning. We were able to see the baby's heartbeat and things look like they are progressing nicely! Baby is measuring a bit behind, but they aren't concerned based on the fact that I have long cycles and am a late ovulator. The heartbeat was 126. Little bean looks good! I feel like I'm able to breathe for the first time in a week. Thank you everyone for your kind words, thoughts and prayers. What a happy day!

quick update

You didn't think I'd keep you in suspense until Wednesday did you? That would just be too mean. Well, I got the braces. It sucks, but I'm dealing with it. Eating is a challenge, but it gets better each day. I'm not wild about the way I look, but my husband keeps reassuring me that I look great...he is the best!

Yesterday I was really nauseous and almost threw up. Strangely, I was really happy about this. I felt like this was a very positive sign until today. This afternoon I started spotting again. It was only a little and not red like last time, but it still has me very nervous. I'll call the OB in the morning if it hasn't let up. I know there isn't anything they can do about it right now.

oh the rollarcoaster

So, I woke up this morning and went to the bathroom. As usual, I checked the tp for any spotting. Well, there it was...red as red can be. I called my husband and he ran in the bathroom...I was in total disbelief. I called the on call OB and he said to call the office when the lines opened an hour and a half later to get an ultrasound scheduled. It was the longest morning of my life.

We got in for the ultrasound and were able to see a gestational sac and yolk sac. No heartbeat. The tech said it wasn't a big deal because I have long cycles and ovulate a bit on the late side. Still, I was hoping to have the sigh of relief of a nice strong heart beat. At any rate, we have another ultrasound scheduled for one week from today.

I had a 3rd beta yesterday and the results of that came back this morning. They look good! According to my OB's office, they think things look fine for now. I'm measuring on time and they aren't concerned there is no heartbeat yet.

Still, I'm a very scared and worried about next week's u/s. It feels like a lifetime away. Luckily, the spotting has stopped for now.

I'm also getting braces tomorrow. I debated all morning on weather or not I should go through with it given the circumstances, but in the end it will be a good distraction. Not getting them now is just putting off the inevitable.

So, if you pray, I ask that you say a prayer for this little one to be well. I guess we'll know for sure how things look (as much as we can) in a week.

all is well

I should have posted yesterday, but I just didn't think to. I was so stressed out! My doctor's office didn't call until 4:00pm, but it was good news. My levels are rising nicely.

I go in next Tuesday for another draw and if that beta looks good, I'll be able to schedule and ultrasound.

You would think I'd be relieved, but I'm very stressed out. All this waiting for things to happen is stressful. On top of it, I haven't been thrilled with my ob's office and am thinking of switching to a new one. Oh, and next week, I'm getting braces. Yes, BRACES! UGG!

Any suggestions out there for good stress management tools?

tenderhooks

I'm waiting for the doctor office to call and let me know if my betas are rising as they should. This is the longest morning ever.......

a scare already

Last week I went in for my first ob/gyn visit. They took some blood to do a beta. On Friday they called back. The nurse said my levels looked low and the doctor was very concerned. The doctor that reviewed my results was not the doctor I have been seeing (he was out of town) but another doctor in the practice. He was not optimistic and they said to come in Tuesday (today) for another blood draw and call if I started bleeding over the weekend. Of course, my heart sank and all my critical thinking skills went out the window.

Then I started thinking about it. 58 seemed a fine level for 13 DPO. Ahh, but they don't know I'm a late ovulator....they haven't seen my charts. So, according to their universal stupid magic wheel, I should have been closer to 17 DPO in which case yes, 58 is worrisome. I spent the day asking questions on message boards, doing research and worrying. 58 is fine...this is what I heard over and over again.

I'll get the results of todays test tomorrow and we'll see if the levels are rising as they should. This will let us know for sure how things look so far.

I'm angry at the way my doctor's office handled this situation. They called me and basically said I would miscarry again without all the information they really needed to make that assessment. I'm thinking about switching practices. I like the doctor I've been seeing, but this whole thing just has me worried and pissed. Neither of which I really need right now.

I feel better since I've done research on my own....58 is fine! Still, the ominous call puts the reality of what can go wrong clearly into perspective. Will I ever be able to just enjoy this pregnancy?

I'm pregnant

Monday I spent all day stressed out and so I figured I'd put my mind at ease and take a pregnancy test. So, I took a test and expected to see something right away. I didn't. I was frustrated and threw the test away. Then, for some reason I decided to grab the test out of the trash can for one last look. It was positive! A very very faint line, but it was there. Three days later the lines are darker and I actually believe it. I'm pregnant. My due date is Jan. 29, 2008.

Yesterday I spent all day completely stressed out about all the things that can go wrong. Today, for some reason, I'm feeling better. I had my first doctor appointment this morning and will be going in for my first u/s in a couple of weeks.

I'm happy, but kind of numb about the whole thing. I just really don't want to loose this one. It doesn't help that the time line is so similar to my last pregnancy. My last due date was Feb. 23, 2007.

Last time I had a very strong feeling it would be a girl. They tested the tissue after the d&c and it was. I'm feeling boy this time....we'll see....

I've only told a handful of people. We are not telling our families until I'm further along. If you are a praying kind, please pray that this one sticks.

Stressful Month

Well, I'm 11 DPO today and dying to take a pregnancy test. Yesterday I was overwhelmingly exhausted and I felt nauseous. Of course, I am a firm believer in the fact that you can make this shit up in your head if you try hard enough. Today, I'm cramping and think my period is coming. In my head?? We'll find out soon enough I guess.

This past month has been very stressful. At the beginning of the month, I went in for my usual dental checkup and found out that I have to get braces. Well, that's not entirely true. I've been avoiding braces for many years now and I was told I really have now choice now. So, on June 7th I'll be getting braces I don't even want for the bargain price of $6200. At least my dental will partially cover it.

A week after learning I needed braces, we learned a pipe was leaking in our front yard. The original quote to fix it was $4500, but we shopped around and found a great place that could do it for $1900. Of course, that really did feel like a bargain after the original quote.

All of this got me quite a bit stressed out, mainly because the money for this stuff is money I've set aside for when I take maternity leave. So, at firs when all this happened I said, "Well, if I don't get pregnant this month it's no big deal". WHO AM I KIDDING!!!??? Of course it's a big deal!

In all this stress I've realized I don't really have an outlet anymore. Or, I don't use the outlets I have. After my miscarriage last year I took up knitting. It was all I did in my spare time and I really loved it. Oh, and I worked out too. For the past couple of months though I haven't even touched it (the knitting or the work out equipment). I'm thinking it's time to get the needles out again and hop back on that elliptical machine. Right after I go pee on a stick.....

Important bill you should be aware of

Please Please Please check out this post over at "a little pregnant":

http://www.alittlepregnant.com/alittlepregnant/2007/05/also_please_ask.html

I know this is an issue that affects many of us and it's worth checking out! I just went to the website and it literally took me less than an minute to send the form letter to my local representative.

Mother's Day

I've never been a very big fan of Mother's Day. My mother spent a good portion of my formative years in and out of mental hospitals. She is manic. Now, this isn't to say that she is a bad mother. She is a good mother, but the issues of my childhood and her illness have affected our relationship.

Like most of us, I love my mother, but she drives me crazy. The main difference I see in our relationship from the relationships of my girlfriends and their mothers is that my mother and I are just not as connected. We are not close. This is something that used to bother me, but as I have grown older I have learned to accept. It does make finding a Mother's Day card a bit problematic though.

Seriously....I just can't identify with the cards in the store. And writing something mushy and loving on the inside of the card myself...forget about it! I break out into hives just thinking of it.

As you can imagine, my anticipation of this Mother's Day was a bit worse than usual. This would have been my first Mother's Day had my I not miscarried last year. The day was hard, but not as hard as I thought it would be.

I really hope that I'll be a mom by next Mother's Day. Time will tell.

on birth

A co-worker's wife just had their fourth child and I found out today. This has made me reflect on my changing feelings about the news of birth.

Before I had been pregnant this last time, I was truly happy and excited when I heard about someone having a new baby. It was cool and fascinating...something very far away from me. The people that became parents were just so brave.

After my first miscarriage in college it was a little hard to hear of births at first, but overall it didn't effect me as much. I think this was mainly because the pregnancy was unplanned and I only knew about it for a couple of days before I started bleeding. In the end, I really saw the miscarriage as a thing that was for the best.

After my miscarriage last year things were very different. I planned that baby with my husband and we were both so excited. In the aftermath, I would get so angry when I'd hear of someone giving birth. The news made me fill with rage and jealousy. Sometimes, I can still feel those twinges of emotion if I'm having a bad day and let it come in.

Today, upon hearing the news of my co-workers new baby I realized that now when I hear the news of a birth I greet it with ambivalence. I feel nothing. I visited the website and saw the baby and felt nothing. My only thought was that she looked good for a newborn (let's face it, they aren't usually all that good looking).

On the hospital website I looked around and came to the section of FAQ's. It was really strange, but as I came across the "what to bring to the hospital" list I felt anger. The anger wasn't really the strange part, but more what I felt angry about. It mentioned to bring a ponytail holder to pull back long hair during delivery. I have long hair, and got this immediate visual of myself in labor with my hair pulled back. It was a strange thing to have resonate so clearly. At least I'm moving on from being angry at people to inanimate objects. It seems like a step in the right direction.

A better week

For some reason I feel better this week. There is no rhyme or reason to it, but I'm not going to question a good thing. I met with my therapist last night and we talked about the emotional rollarcoaster that is trying to conceive. It's hard wanting something and being disappointed month after month. I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir here, but after a while I think you just start to become resigned to the fact that it's hard. Up until now I've been fighting that notion.

A good friend let me borrow her fertility monitor which helped her get pregnant. I got a high reading this morning which is kind of early for me. My husband was thrilled because this means he'll get laid a lot. I am happy as well because this could mean a couple of days will be shaved of my cycle this month. Two days less of waiting. Score!

We have a spare room in our house that is meant to be a nursery. We never decorated it, but did paint it a pale blue when we moved in 2 years ago. Now, it has turned into a storage room. It's a mess. It's funny because it seems in some ways that the room has become a metaphor for my uterus. Bear with me here. Before we got pregnant last time, the room was filling up with baby related things - an old rocking chair, a small coat rack I had as a little girl, a bookcase. It was just starting to look right for a baby. Now, it looks like a bomb went off in it. I think we need to clean it out. Feng Shui the fucker. Feng Shui the room, feng shui the uterus?