baby making blues

Finally.....

2008-02-13T18:02:00.003-05:00

Introducing Rowan Claire. I went in for an induction on the evening of the 30th and came out 24 hours later with a c-section due to the baby being stuck on my hip bone. Luckily I only really labored for about 12 hours - the first 12 were just getting the cervadil and waiting for that to do something. She is truly an amazing baby and we are totally in love with her. It was a long road to get here and worth every second.

I love the way she looks at me.
I love the noises she makes when she eats.
I love the way she smells.
I love the way my husband adores her.
I just love her.

I hope that those of you waiting receive you gift soon. Only now that she is here do I understand our trials to get here.

D day

2008-01-28T15:20:00.000-05:00

Well, today is my due date and I'm still here waiting. I had a doctors appointment this afternoon and I'm still only fingertip dilated. Unless something miraculous happens in the next couple of days, I'll be going in Wednesday evening for my induction.

I worked today but decided that today will be my last day of work. I was going to work tomorrow as well but I just think I need to stop and give myself some time to rest and get ready for the work of labor.

The whole thing is really surreal at this point. People keep asking me if I'm excited, and I am, but no more than I was before. I don't think it's sunk in yet that I'm going to have my baby before the week ends.

Now, I just need to figure out how to keep myself occupied the next couple of days......

it didn't work

2008-01-24T11:45:00.000-05:00

So, I took the castor oil (2 oz mixed with 2 oz of OJ) and all it did was cause me to have really bad diarrhea. I was so bummed out because I was soooo sure it would work! I'm starting to think this child will be in here until our induction scheduled on the 31st.

I'm sick of being pregnant and really want to have my baby. This is just getting old now. After having the miscarriage/partial molar pregnancy, I feel like I've been waiting for my baby for 2 years now, and in a way I have! I know I should be greatful for what I am about to have - there are others out there who waited much longer, have been through much more and are still waiting. Still, it is hard at the end. Like many things on this journey, it's just another lesson in patience. You would just think I would have some by now!

castor oil

2008-01-22T18:16:00.000-05:00

I had my 39 week check up today....still fingertip dilated. The baby did drop more though and is now at -1 station. My midwife recommended trying some Castor oil to help get things started. I took it about 4 hours ago and so far just some cramping and diarrhea. I figure it was worth a try - hopefully something starts happening soon!

what a difference!

2008-01-15T12:56:00.000-05:00

I've developed carpel tunnels syndrome from the pregnancy and went in to the OB to have it checked out today. I need to wear braces on my wrists, but other than that I'll be okay. They decided to do my weekly check up while I was there. So, since Friday there has been some progress. I'm 60% effaced, -2 station and fingertip dilated! Obviously I could still have a ways to go, but it's great news that my body is finally doing something it's supposed to! Hopefully this means the baby is coming soon!

still waiting

2008-01-12T21:25:00.001-05:00

Well, My doctor's appointment yesterday showed that the baby is still high, not engaged at all and my cervix is tightly closed. I actually started crying when I got in the car I was so disappointed. (Hello pregnancy hormones?)

I had no idea the end of pregnancy could be this hard. I suffer from fibromyalgia, and for the past few weeks I've had a very bad flare up. This morning I woke up and could barely move one of my hands. I also have a hemorrhoid that is unbelievable painful. (Come on, you always knew you wanted to know these things about me!).

It's hard because I feel so conflicted. I went through a lot (though not nearly as much as some) to get here - to the end of a pregnancy that has thus far been successful. I feel that I should be greatful and overjoyed, but when you can barely move and are in constant pain with no end in sight it while having to work full time, it becomes very hard to remain positive.

I'm sure I'll get through all of this - but it's not easy!

getting to the end

2008-01-04T19:37:00.000-05:00

Thanks for all your support on the mother in law issues. Things have settled down a bit, but mainly because I have not spoken to her since the dinner. I've just let my husband handle all conversations with her and it's been much better for me. We didn't even go over for Christmas which she was not happy about but my husband was firm on. We both were actually really exited to have a holiday for just the two of us - it's the last time we can really do that! I suppose I'll see my mother in law when we are in the hospital, but I'll just cross that bridge when we come to it. I figure I'll be so elated with my baby I won't really care much about dealing with her.

I'm now 36 weeks pregnant - will be 37 weeks (which is full term) on Monday. I had my first internal during my doctors visit today and the baby is head is down and my cervix is softening, but no dilation yet. My placenta has now also moved far enough away to cancel my c-section and go for a vaginal birth which was wonderful news!

As I'm coming to the end of my pregnancy it is amazing how many emotions I feel about the whole thing. I'm excited and nervous. I'm tired of being pregnant, but know I'll somehow still miss it when it's all over. Most of all, I can't wait to meet my little girl and start this new adventure with my husband. I love him so much and can't wait to see him hold her.

Now we just wait - hopefully it happens soon!

My Mother in law hates me

2007-12-14T05:17:00.000-05:00

We had our dinner last night with the in laws. DH and I explained to MIL that she needs to understand this is our child and we need to make the decisions. She said she understood and totally agreed. Gimmer of hope? No.

She then asked where we planned on leaving her for daycare. I told her we weren't sure yet as we won't need it until August but have looked into a few places by our house. She asked which ones and we told her. As soon as the words "kinder care" came out of our mouth she gasped, said "no!" and shook her head. I nearly lost it. I got really upset and she told me not to get upset and that she shouldn't have said anything. I almost left the restaurant I was so mad. After going on about how she understood and would support our decisions as parents and in the next breath that!?

DH told her that we would make sure we are putting our daughter in the best place we can find and she said that did make her feel better? What the fuck? Like we would put our child in some shit hole?

And is that all? Of course not! She then looked at DH and said, "you might not remember this, but years ago we had lunch and you said to me, "Mom, you did such a good job raising me, I want you to raise my children", and I said that I wouldn't raise them, but I would help you in any way I could. I'm just trying to live up to my end of the bargain". It was SICK! It was as if I didn't exist and of course my opinion on my daughter's care doesn't matter. I asked DH about it later and he said he did tell his mom she did a good job raising him but never asked her to raise his kids.

After that I realized that there would be no getting through to her. I just kept pretty quiet the rest of the meal and made obligatory small talk. My birthday was last week and as we left she said, "oh and happy birthday" and walked out. Thanks for remembering bitch. She brings gifts for the baby, acknowledges she knew it was my birthday and didn't even bring a friggin card.

I suppose I'm glad we had the dinner. At least I now fully understand what my expectations should be. I'm not going to say she isn't a total disappointment though. I hate that this is what I have to deal with, but what can you do?

It's been a month!?

2007-12-11T16:33:00.001-05:00

I just don't know where the time is going lately. I'm sorry to have not updated in so long.

Here are the basics:
I'm currently 33 weeks now and getting exhausted. My placenta is no longer previa, but still needs to move more to avoid a c-section. The baby is measuring a little small (17th percentile) so they are keeping an eye on her. I have yet another sonogram tomorrow.

As far as my MIL goes it's been a mess. She has not spoken to me since she hung up on me and I've tried to reach out to her. We did see her at Thanksgiving over at DH's aunt's house, but we pretty much avoided each other. She told DH she would speak to us after we have the baby and DH told her that was not an option. 2 weeks after telling her that she called him. She has agreed to meet us at a restaurant for dinner this Friday. I guess we'll see how it goes from there. It's hard though because it will take a while for things so be the same for me with her. She has really been selfish and nasty and created a lot of stress for us during what should be one of the happiest times of our lives.

Other than that things are good. I had my baby shower and it was a blast. We have most of our stuff and only a few things left to do to the nursery. I've loved being pregnant, but I'm really ready to be done and meet our girl. At least it's soon!

I promise to try and be better about updating!

no resolution

2007-11-09T13:33:00.000-05:00

Well, my husband and I discussed it and decided it was best that I did not reach out to my mother in law. He has tried to call her twice this week and she refuses to speak to him. He is worried that if she were to speak with me she would loose her temper and get me upset again. I think at this point we have tried to reach out and there is little else we can do. Hopefully things will come to a resolution soon.

I'm starting to get more tired now that I'm in my third trimester and I'm feeling kind of big although everyone tells me I carry pretty small. With the shower and furniture coming this weekend, I'm really excited to work on the nursery and see how things come together. It's yet another thing that makes the fact our baby will be here soon that much more real.

mother in laws

2007-11-07T14:05:00.000-05:00

Life has been chaotic, so I’m sorry for no updates in so long. Here is the latest:

Baby is 2lbs. 5oz as of yesterday's sonogram and my placenta previa is on the move - though not completely out of the way. I'm feeling pretty well and am 28 weeks along now. I've gained a total of 13.5 lbs so far and I'm pretty happy with that.

Now for the fun family drama info. Get your popcorn ready folks!

Our plan was to split 2 months of daycare care between my mother in law and my mom – my mom doing mornings since MIL works in mornings and MIL taking the afternoons. My mother in law was fine with this last we heard. She had offered to quit her job and do it FT but we just don't feel that is the right option for our family and told her that.

My mother in law called husband last week and told him she would not be taking care of our baby as she said she would for the couple of months we needed help when I go back to work. I called her back to see if something happened to upset her and she got all pissed at me. She questioned my choice of putting the baby in daycare and said we never communicated these things to her. The conversation ended up getting heated and she hung up on me.

Well, I got really upset and stressed about the whole thing and ended up L&D with contractions because of the stress of it. Baby and I are fine, but I was home on modified bed rest for week because of it.

So, my husband called his mom and let her know what happened. He told her not to call me or to come to my shower that is this weekend as we was concerned about another argument and wanted to keep us safe. She was upset and got mad at him that we didn't come over for her birthday a couple weeks ago (WTF!?). Never did she offer to help him out in any way while I was on bed rest for a week. Later she called him and left him a message asking how he could do this to her.

We found out through the grapevine that my MIL didn’t go into work all week. She doesn’t think she did anything wrong and blames my husband and I for upsetting her deeply.

Well, my shower is this weekend and I’m thinking about trying to reach out to her. You all might think I’m crazy, but we are going to have to resolve this eventually….The whole thing is a nightmare and I really hate that this has happened to us.

The most important thing is my baby and her health and THANK GOD she is okay. Any thoughts or advice you all have would be appreciated.

been so long!

2007-10-12T11:16:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I've posted. Things are going great, just really busy! I still need to get a sonogram picture up and I plan to scan some this weekend. We've gotten a lot done though which is really exciting. We have finished the registry, painted the nursery and gotten up the chair rail, ordered the furniture and picked a name! Oh, and my shower is all planned for the 11th of November. We are also signed up for our classes (lamaze, breastfeeding and hospital tour). Phew!

I had a follow up sonogram and the cyst on the baby's brain is now gone! I was really relieved. They said they are common, but it still had me worried. The placenta has moved a bit and is now only marginal and not complete. This is a good sign and we are hopeful it will be totally out of the way by the next sono. I'm still on pelvic rest and exercise restriction, but I'm pretty used to it at this point.

I'm 24 weeks and have only gained 8 lbs so far...I'm pretty proud of this one!

My DH has been wonderful and has not let me lift a finger. It's almost to the point of annoyance, and I asked him to start letting me do more. He finally admitted that he has some major fears of something going wrong still. I feel bad because I didn't realize this was still weighing on him so heavily. It is good to know though because now I can be a bit more sensitive to him and his needs. It really is easy to get wrapped up in yourself when you are pregnant!

I find it hard to beleive in just a few short months I'll be holding a baby in my arms. It does feel more and more real each day though and I just can't wait!

It's a....

2007-09-11T10:23:00.000-04:00

GIRL!! I was so surprised. This whole pregnancy I've been convinced it is a boy. So much for maternal instincts! She was very cute and I swear she has my nose! It's true!

I have a complete placenta previea, so I'm on pelvic rest and can't exercise. I'm bummed because I've been working on getting in shape. I'm hoping it resolves on its' own. If I end up bleeding at all I'll be on hospital bed rest until the bleeding stops. It's one of those things that could be nothing, could fix itself, or could be really serious.

We go back in 4 weeks for another check to make sure it's not hindering fetal growth and to see if it has moved. If it doesn't move by the end of the pregnancy, I'll end up with a c-section.

The baby had a cyst on her brain, but apparently these are common and they are more concerned with the previa than the cyst. Still, not exactly what you want to here you know?

Still, she is healthy and there are much worse things that we could have found out than a previa or a cyst. A girl...wow.

Sad

2007-08-28T12:33:00.001-04:00

My husband's cousin who recently found out she was pregnant and decided to keep it just found out this morning that she will miscarry. She called me just crying her heart out about it. I really feel for her and it has me very sad. It brought back a lot of sad memories for me of my own miscarriages. I wish there were something I could do for her to make her feel better, but I know there isn't. I just let her know that I am here if she needs to talk and how much I understand that this sucks. I hope she heals soon.

Alien

2007-08-27T10:25:00.000-04:00

So, I've been feeling the baby on and off lately. It's really true what they say about it starting like butterflies. It's super light and fluttery. A couple of times I've actually felt a full on poking feeling.

I'm not going to lie, the poking thing creeped me out.

When I've told other women that have children that, they look at me like I am the worst mother in the world. Well fucking excuse me! It is kind of creepy when you feel something kick you from the inside for the first time. It's like the movie Alien or something.

The movements are still really sporadic, but I'm getting more used to them and (dare I say it) hopeful I'll feel it even more soon. You see, if I don't feel it much for a couple of days I start to worry. Thank God for home dopplers.

I'm not showing very much yet either which is really strange. I'm 18 weeks as of today and thought I would be bigger by now. I'm ready for the full on pregnancy belly. I want the world to know now.

I've been also thinking about the title of this blog lately. Does it still work? I would like to keep the blog going even after I have the baby, but I don't feel so bluesy about all this anymore. To keep the title or not? What do you think?

oh, and one more thing

2007-08-14T21:11:00.001-04:00

I totally forgot to mention the best news of all. My old co-worker who miscarried right after me gave birth to her son last week. Almost exactly a year after she miscarried. I don't think I could be happier for another human being. They are both doing well and she had a great birth experience which gives me lots of hope for mine.

It's really a full circle moment. I went from being pregnant with her, to jealous she still was; from grieving with her, to jealous she was pregnant again; from being in the sisterhood of pregnancy and now, finally, overjoyed that she has her baby and is a mom. What a wild ride and a huge lesson.

bad blogger

2007-08-14T20:57:00.000-04:00

Life has been crazy and I have been a bad blogger. Shame on me!

The past couple of weeks have been eventful. The pregnant family member has decided to keep the baby. It will be a tough road for her, but I'm glad she has come to a decision that she is happy with and feels is right for her.

In the past couple of weeks we've found out about 2 other pregnancies among family/friends, so that is pretty exciting. It seems like there is something in the water over here.

Last week I fainted in the grocery store and ended up with a trip to the ER in an ambulance. Everything is fine, but it was a bit scary and was a REALLY long night. We did get a sonogram out of it though. It was so funny because when we had the NT screen the baby was asleep and we didn't see much movement. Well, apparently I have a night owl because at one in the morning the kid was punching me in my uterus. Full arm extend and punching mom..over and over. My husband is into martial arts, so the kid must take after him.

My 20 week sonogram is 5 weeks away at 21 weeks and I think I will die if I have to wait that long. I really really want to know what the sex of this baby is. I think it is a boy, but am ready for some confirmation so I can start picking things out.

In just the past couple of weeks I've begun to realize that this pregnancy is real, and here, and not going anywhere. Don't get me wrong, I still worry about something going wrong, but at a more normal amount now.

I know I still need to get a sonogram picture up...I will...soon....I hope....

a year ago

2007-08-01T09:38:00.000-04:00

It was a year ago that I had my d&c for my last miscarriage. It's been on my mind the past week, but not as much as I thought it would be. I think the excitement of this pregnancy is helping me not focus on the past. Still, I feel some guilt for not being more sad about it. I suppose I've done my grieving and have let much of it go. I haven't brought any of this up to my husband. I don't know if he realized it was a year ago and I don't want to make him sad.

There was some family drama this week as well. A family member who has a child and is currently on welfare called to tell me she is pregnant again. She doesn't know what to do and is leaning towards abortion. She kept trying to get me to tell her what to do, but that isn't my place. I told her to go to planned parenthood and talk to a counselor there. Hopefully they can help her. I don't know that I'm the best person to ask for advice on this subject. Being that I am pregnant, my point of view on everything is different. No one else in the family knows and I was the only person she felt she could reach out to. I feel bad for her, but angry that she wasn't more responsible.

I still need to get my sono pic scanned. I totally slacked this weekend! I'll get to it soon though, I promise!

I've been feeling pretty well. I still get nauseous on and off and today it is worse than it has been in a couple of weeks. I'm having lots of "growing pains" in my uterus this week as well. It's not really painful, but more uncomfortable. I'm still having trouble gaining weight, but have gained back what I lost at least. Doc is not going to be happy at my next appointment. Hopefully I'll put on a few pounds over the next week!

I'm back

2007-07-26T09:48:00.000-04:00

Sorry it's taken so long to update! Vacation was nice and relaxing, but my first week back at work was mad, so I couldn't get to the blog until now. We went to the beach and had a great time, but it is nice to be home.

We had the NT screen on Monday and everything looked great. I still need to scan the sono picture and get it up here. Hopefully I can do that this weekend. It was great to see the kid and it was the first time it really looked like a baby. We could see fingers, arms legs...and the best part was the few times it moved around. Apparently we have a lazy baby as I would have to cough or move to get the baby to wake up, but it would always fall back asleep. Takes after his or her father.

Now that our families know that I'm pregnant, we are getting inundated with questions. Everyone is asking me about weather they will be allowed to come to the hospital. I don't want any family to come until after the baby is born. The first hour or so after birth I just want it to be my husband and I, so we plan on calling the family to come after the baby is born. The families are not happy about this and continue to try and convince me that they should be there. I'm standing my ground though and hoping it doesn't cause too many problems.

How did/are you all handling the family issues that come up during pregnancy?

12 week appointment

2007-07-13T09:43:00.000-04:00

So, I had my 12 week appt yesterday. We scheduled it a bit early (I'm 11 weeks 4 days) because we are on vacation this upcoming week. Anyway, she couldn't find the h/b on doppler which would have totally freaked me out, but I had already found it at home. Luckily, since she couldn't find it I got another sono! It was so cool to see the baby again. I've basically had a sono every couple of weeks now which has given me such relief.

The only bad news it that I am borderline anemic which she isn't too worried about. I just need to start trying to eat more iron rich foods. (The steak she suggested is out though because I'm a vegetarian.) I also lost 2 lbs the past 2 weeks which she was not very happy about. Hopefully I'll start gaining soon! (never thought I'd say that!).

My NT screen is a week from Monday too, so I get to see our bean again! I need to start scanning the sonogram pictures soon!

I' m off to the beach for vacation tomorrow and can't wait. I'll post something after the NT screen once we get back.

home doppler heartbeat!

2007-07-09T18:11:00.000-04:00

Well, I checked online to track the package and my doppler rental arrived today. I was crawling out of my skin wanting to get home and use it. I finally got home from work and after a few frustrating minutes found our baby's heartbeat! It was glorious and I'm so relieved and happy. It's like receiving good news you want to call and tell the world about! Good stuff!

Cat is out of the bag!

2007-07-09T09:26:00.000-04:00

Well, the cat is out of the bag! We announced to our families this weekend. They are all very thrilled and happy for us. For some reason announcing our news has made me even more nervous. I just fear having to un-tell people again.

My next doctor appointment is this Thursday and I'm hoping we can get a heartbeat and have some relief. It's funny, I do really well for a few days after I see the doc, and then all the worry sets in until the next appointment. Since I had a missed last time, I have this huge fear that I'm walking around feeling and thinking I'm pregnant when in reality the baby is dead inside me. How horribly morbid, I know! Still, that is what happened last time, so having been down that road I can't help but to fear it with my whole being. I rented a doppler online and it should arrive today or tomorrow. Hopefully I can find a heartbeat quickly on that and be able to start breathing again.

I've been feeling pretty rough the past week and a half. Lots of dry heaves and just overall nausea. Of course, I'm not complaining. I'm greatful for it as I think it's a sign that all is well with the baby. Hopefully, I'm right!

change of plans

2007-07-03T11:22:00.000-04:00

Well, it looks like we won't be sharing our big news this week after all. Before you freak out, I AM still pregnant. The reason we are holding off is because my mother is in the hospital. She suffers from mental illness and was feeling suicidal, so she was checked in at the end of last week. Being that she is in there, it just doesn't seem appropriate that we share our news yet. We'll wait until she comes home and do it then.

Other than that things are going well. I'm still pregnant as far as I know and anxiously awaiting my next doctor appointment. It's next Thursday and we should be able to hear the heartbeat on the doppler by then. That will be a huge relief for me and I'm looking forward to nearing the end of the first trimester. I think in another couple of weeks I'll really start being able to enjoy this whole pregnancy thing.

My old co-worker who miscarried right after me had her baby shower this past weekend. It was great to see her and I'm so excited for her success on this journey. It also helps give me hope that things can work out after a loss.

ultrasound

2007-06-28T13:36:00.000-04:00

I had another u/s yesterday and it went great. The baby is still measuring a little behind, but consistent with my ovulation date. The heartbeat was 160. We are officially past the point when the baby died last time, so this is a huge relief.

We plan on telling our families next week. I'm very nervous about telling them, and question if it is too early, but I really think it's time. We were actually at my parents house last night and I almost slipped a couple of times. So, on the 4th of July we we share the big news.

I am really loving my new doc and my husband got to come with me yesterday and agreed that this practice is a much better fit for us. I'm finding it hard to beleive how well everything is going, but I'm not going to question a good thing. I'll just have to pinch myself every so often.

Husbands

2007-06-26T12:24:00.000-04:00

My husband and I have been pretty introspective since I found out I was pregnant. I don't know if this is a coping mechanism or what, but it hasn't really bothered either of us too much. We just haven't been as connected as usual. We did go out this weekend on a nice date to dinner and a play. It was fun and something I think we both needed.

Lately, it's been really hard to talk to him about the pregnancy. Every time I have a fear about the pregnancy and express it to him, he gets freaked out. He acts like I have some magical crystal ball into the world of what is going on in my uterus. It pisses me off. I don't know just has much as he doesn't know, but I can't talk to him about my fears or having a bad day because it freaks him out. I explained this to him last night and I think he understands.

I have another sonogram tomorrow. This one was at my request to calm my nerves before we tell our families next week. I'm nervous about it. I'm hoping that it really will calm my nerves. It seems like I'm good for a week after a sono and then during that 2nd week wait I start to get freaked out. Hopefully I'll feel more positive after this one.

New doctor

2007-06-19T10:40:00.000-04:00

Well, I found a new OB that I really like. My old practice was just too big, and I never really felt like an individual patient there. Every conversation I had with someone made me feel rushed....like they had better things to do than deal with me. So, I decided to meet with some other OB's. This new one is great! It's a small practice, so it's just her and her midwife and one other doc that just does GYN patients. They are looking to hire another OB as well. She spent 20 min just talking to me and getting to know me. I asked if I could get a sono before we tell the families and she has me scheduled for one the week before. She is awesome! It's like a weight is lifted off of me!

One thing she offered that the other practice didn't was NT screening for chromosomal abnormalities. My husband and I are opting to do this (so long as insurance will cover it). We would not terminate if there was something wrong, but if there is, we'd like to have time to prepare for the challenges it could present. I have to go in for that between 11-13 weeks, so that will be yet another sono as well!

We have decided to tell our families on July 4th. I think my parents will come over for DH's parents big party so it seems that would be a good time to tell them. I'll be 10 weeks. I'm pretty nervous to let the cat out of the bag, and it's a bit earlier than we had planned, but if all goes well on the next sonogram there's no reason not to tell.

I saw my therapist last night and kept refering to the pregnancy as "everything seems okay". She corrected me and said, "no, right now, everything is okay". So, I'll sign off saying Everything is okay.

Father's Day reflections

2007-06-15T10:01:00.000-04:00

Last year on Father's Day we announced our pregnancy to our families. I was in my 4th week. Currently, I'm in the end of my 7th. We told them by having my husband wear a shirt that said, "world's greatest dad". It's so bittersweet now that that day is coming around the corner. We are going to wait for another 3 weeks or so to tell everyone. I'm nervous about it. They were so thrilled the last time, I fear that this time they won't be as excited. It wasn't just our innocence that was taken away, but theirs as well.

I want to give my husband something from the baby, but I'm not sure how appropriate that would be. I was thinking of a bib or onesie that says "I love my daddy". Part of me feels that is so cheezy though! I feel bad for him...this will be the second Father's day that I've been pregnant. I've never been pregnant on Mother's Day. I don't know which is worse.

Speaking of my husband, he is so wonderful. He bought tickets to a play I've been wanting to see. This isn't something we do very often and it was just really sweet and romantic. He said it was something we could do that wasn't smoky, didn't involve drinking, and we deserved it after all our recent stress. I really do have the best husband in the world.

I had a wonderful dream last night where I gave birth by c-section to a baby boy. My husband was there with me and we were blissfully happy. I breastfed and all the emotions and love I felt were so real in the dream. I hope dreams really are an indication of how things will go.

I have an appointment with a new OB practice on Monday to check them out. I like my doctor, but have had trouble getting test results and call backs in a timely manner. I just wanted to check out another for comparison. We'll see how it goes. I'm hoping that I like them. They are closer to home and deliver out of a hospital that is a bit nicer.

Right now I'm just trying to trust my baby, trust my body, and trust in God. I suppose that is all you really can do.

We have a heartbeat!

2007-06-13T11:28:00.000-04:00

My DH and I just had our follow up sonogram this morning. We were able to see the baby's heartbeat and things look like they are progressing nicely! Baby is measuring a bit behind, but they aren't concerned based on the fact that I have long cycles and am a late ovulator. The heartbeat was 126. Little bean looks good! I feel like I'm able to breathe for the first time in a week. Thank you everyone for your kind words, thoughts and prayers. What a happy day!

quick update

2007-06-10T20:18:00.000-04:00

You didn't think I'd keep you in suspense until Wednesday did you? That would just be too mean. Well, I got the braces. It sucks, but I'm dealing with it. Eating is a challenge, but it gets better each day. I'm not wild about the way I look, but my husband keeps reassuring me that I look great...he is the best!

Yesterday I was really nauseous and almost threw up. Strangely, I was really happy about this. I felt like this was a very positive sign until today. This afternoon I started spotting again. It was only a little and not red like last time, but it still has me very nervous. I'll call the OB in the morning if it hasn't let up. I know there isn't anything they can do about it right now.

oh the rollarcoaster

2007-06-06T14:50:00.000-04:00

So, I woke up this morning and went to the bathroom. As usual, I checked the tp for any spotting. Well, there it was...red as red can be. I called my husband and he ran in the bathroom...I was in total disbelief. I called the on call OB and he said to call the office when the lines opened an hour and a half later to get an ultrasound scheduled. It was the longest morning of my life.

We got in for the ultrasound and were able to see a gestational sac and yolk sac. No heartbeat. The tech said it wasn't a big deal because I have long cycles and ovulate a bit on the late side. Still, I was hoping to have the sigh of relief of a nice strong heart beat. At any rate, we have another ultrasound scheduled for one week from today.

I had a 3rd beta yesterday and the results of that came back this morning. They look good! According to my OB's office, they think things look fine for now. I'm measuring on time and they aren't concerned there is no heartbeat yet.

Still, I'm a very scared and worried about next week's u/s. It feels like a lifetime away. Luckily, the spotting has stopped for now.

I'm also getting braces tomorrow. I debated all morning on weather or not I should go through with it given the circumstances, but in the end it will be a good distraction. Not getting them now is just putting off the inevitable.

So, if you pray, I ask that you say a prayer for this little one to be well. I guess we'll know for sure how things look (as much as we can) in a week.

all is well

2007-05-31T11:22:00.000-04:00

I should have posted yesterday, but I just didn't think to. I was so stressed out! My doctor's office didn't call until 4:00pm, but it was good news. My levels are rising nicely.

I go in next Tuesday for another draw and if that beta looks good, I'll be able to schedule and ultrasound.

You would think I'd be relieved, but I'm very stressed out. All this waiting for things to happen is stressful. On top of it, I haven't been thrilled with my ob's office and am thinking of switching to a new one. Oh, and next week, I'm getting braces. Yes, BRACES! UGG!

Any suggestions out there for good stress management tools?

tenderhooks

2007-05-30T09:52:00.000-04:00

I'm waiting for the doctor office to call and let me know if my betas are rising as they should. This is the longest morning ever.......

a scare already

2007-05-29T11:52:00.000-04:00

Last week I went in for my first ob/gyn visit. They took some blood to do a beta. On Friday they called back. The nurse said my levels looked low and the doctor was very concerned. The doctor that reviewed my results was not the doctor I have been seeing (he was out of town) but another doctor in the practice. He was not optimistic and they said to come in Tuesday (today) for another blood draw and call if I started bleeding over the weekend. Of course, my heart sank and all my critical thinking skills went out the window.

Then I started thinking about it. 58 seemed a fine level for 13 DPO. Ahh, but they don't know I'm a late ovulator....they haven't seen my charts. So, according to their universal stupid magic wheel, I should have been closer to 17 DPO in which case yes, 58 is worrisome. I spent the day asking questions on message boards, doing research and worrying. 58 is fine...this is what I heard over and over again.

I'll get the results of todays test tomorrow and we'll see if the levels are rising as they should. This will let us know for sure how things look so far.

I'm angry at the way my doctor's office handled this situation. They called me and basically said I would miscarry again without all the information they really needed to make that assessment. I'm thinking about switching practices. I like the doctor I've been seeing, but this whole thing just has me worried and pissed. Neither of which I really need right now.

I feel better since I've done research on my own....58 is fine! Still, the ominous call puts the reality of what can go wrong clearly into perspective. Will I ever be able to just enjoy this pregnancy?

I'm pregnant

2007-05-23T14:21:00.000-04:00

Monday I spent all day stressed out and so I figured I'd put my mind at ease and take a pregnancy test. So, I took a test and expected to see something right away. I didn't. I was frustrated and threw the test away. Then, for some reason I decided to grab the test out of the trash can for one last look. It was positive! A very very faint line, but it was there. Three days later the lines are darker and I actually believe it. I'm pregnant. My due date is Jan. 29, 2008.

Yesterday I spent all day completely stressed out about all the things that can go wrong. Today, for some reason, I'm feeling better. I had my first doctor appointment this morning and will be going in for my first u/s in a couple of weeks.

I'm happy, but kind of numb about the whole thing. I just really don't want to loose this one. It doesn't help that the time line is so similar to my last pregnancy. My last due date was Feb. 23, 2007.

Last time I had a very strong feeling it would be a girl. They tested the tissue after the d&c and it was. I'm feeling boy this time....we'll see....

I've only told a handful of people. We are not telling our families until I'm further along. If you are a praying kind, please pray that this one sticks.

Stressful Month

2007-05-21T11:31:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm 11 DPO today and dying to take a pregnancy test. Yesterday I was overwhelmingly exhausted and I felt nauseous. Of course, I am a firm believer in the fact that you can make this shit up in your head if you try hard enough. Today, I'm cramping and think my period is coming. In my head?? We'll find out soon enough I guess.

This past month has been very stressful. At the beginning of the month, I went in for my usual dental checkup and found out that I have to get braces. Well, that's not entirely true. I've been avoiding braces for many years now and I was told I really have now choice now. So, on June 7th I'll be getting braces I don't even want for the bargain price of $6200. At least my dental will partially cover it.

A week after learning I needed braces, we learned a pipe was leaking in our front yard. The original quote to fix it was $4500, but we shopped around and found a great place that could do it for $1900. Of course, that really did feel like a bargain after the original quote.

All of this got me quite a bit stressed out, mainly because the money for this stuff is money I've set aside for when I take maternity leave. So, at firs when all this happened I said, "Well, if I don't get pregnant this month it's no big deal". WHO AM I KIDDING!!!??? Of course it's a big deal!

In all this stress I've realized I don't really have an outlet anymore. Or, I don't use the outlets I have. After my miscarriage last year I took up knitting. It was all I did in my spare time and I really loved it. Oh, and I worked out too. For the past couple of months though I haven't even touched it (the knitting or the work out equipment). I'm thinking it's time to get the needles out again and hop back on that elliptical machine. Right after I go pee on a stick.....

Important bill you should be aware of

2007-05-14T15:01:00.000-04:00

Please Please Please check out this post over at "a little pregnant":

http://www.alittlepregnant.com/alittlepregnant/2007/05/also_please_ask.html

I know this is an issue that affects many of us and it's worth checking out! I just went to the website and it literally took me less than an minute to send the form letter to my local representative.

Mother's Day

2007-05-14T14:27:00.000-04:00

I've never been a very big fan of Mother's Day. My mother spent a good portion of my formative years in and out of mental hospitals. She is manic. Now, this isn't to say that she is a bad mother. She is a good mother, but the issues of my childhood and her illness have affected our relationship.

Like most of us, I love my mother, but she drives me crazy. The main difference I see in our relationship from the relationships of my girlfriends and their mothers is that my mother and I are just not as connected. We are not close. This is something that used to bother me, but as I have grown older I have learned to accept. It does make finding a Mother's Day card a bit problematic though.

Seriously....I just can't identify with the cards in the store. And writing something mushy and loving on the inside of the card myself...forget about it! I break out into hives just thinking of it.

As you can imagine, my anticipation of this Mother's Day was a bit worse than usual. This would have been my first Mother's Day had my I not miscarried last year. The day was hard, but not as hard as I thought it would be.

I really hope that I'll be a mom by next Mother's Day. Time will tell.

on birth

2007-05-02T15:01:00.000-04:00

A co-worker's wife just had their fourth child and I found out today. This has made me reflect on my changing feelings about the news of birth.

Before I had been pregnant this last time, I was truly happy and excited when I heard about someone having a new baby. It was cool and fascinating...something very far away from me. The people that became parents were just so brave.

After my first miscarriage in college it was a little hard to hear of births at first, but overall it didn't effect me as much. I think this was mainly because the pregnancy was unplanned and I only knew about it for a couple of days before I started bleeding. In the end, I really saw the miscarriage as a thing that was for the best.

After my miscarriage last year things were very different. I planned that baby with my husband and we were both so excited. In the aftermath, I would get so angry when I'd hear of someone giving birth. The news made me fill with rage and jealousy. Sometimes, I can still feel those twinges of emotion if I'm having a bad day and let it come in.

Today, upon hearing the news of my co-workers new baby I realized that now when I hear the news of a birth I greet it with ambivalence. I feel nothing. I visited the website and saw the baby and felt nothing. My only thought was that she looked good for a newborn (let's face it, they aren't usually all that good looking).

On the hospital website I looked around and came to the section of FAQ's. It was really strange, but as I came across the "what to bring to the hospital" list I felt anger. The anger wasn't really the strange part, but more what I felt angry about. It mentioned to bring a ponytail holder to pull back long hair during delivery. I have long hair, and got this immediate visual of myself in labor with my hair pulled back. It was a strange thing to have resonate so clearly. At least I'm moving on from being angry at people to inanimate objects. It seems like a step in the right direction.

A better week

2007-05-01T10:21:00.000-04:00

For some reason I feel better this week. There is no rhyme or reason to it, but I'm not going to question a good thing. I met with my therapist last night and we talked about the emotional rollarcoaster that is trying to conceive. It's hard wanting something and being disappointed month after month. I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir here, but after a while I think you just start to become resigned to the fact that it's hard. Up until now I've been fighting that notion.

A good friend let me borrow her fertility monitor which helped her get pregnant. I got a high reading this morning which is kind of early for me. My husband was thrilled because this means he'll get laid a lot. I am happy as well because this could mean a couple of days will be shaved of my cycle this month. Two days less of waiting. Score!

We have a spare room in our house that is meant to be a nursery. We never decorated it, but did paint it a pale blue when we moved in 2 years ago. Now, it has turned into a storage room. It's a mess. It's funny because it seems in some ways that the room has become a metaphor for my uterus. Bear with me here. Before we got pregnant last time, the room was filling up with baby related things - an old rocking chair, a small coat rack I had as a little girl, a bookcase. It was just starting to look right for a baby. Now, it looks like a bomb went off in it. I think we need to clean it out. Feng Shui the fucker. Feng Shui the room, feng shui the uterus?

hard at home

2007-04-27T13:20:00.000-04:00

I've been down ever since I got my period this week. It seems hardest at home. I've come to realized that it's hard at home because that is where I feel emptiest. It's really strange. I have a great house, job, husband, dog...there are truly many wonderful things in my life. The only thing that is missing is a child and it's when I'm home that I feel that missing piece the most.

I've really been at a place of peace for a while now, but this week I just feel empty. The milestones are hard. I passed my due date in Feb, and not getting pregnant this last cycle put my out of the running for a 2007 baby.

It's bad when I go home. That is the place that I want to have be filled with the joy of children, but it's just me and my husband. I'm so greatful for everything in my life, but there is just this one thing missing from it. My husband has been wonderfully supportive and understanding. I'm just so frustrated at myself that I'm feeling this way. Especially after being okay for so long now.

more period

2007-04-26T09:52:00.000-04:00

Well, I got my period again this month. We've only been trying for two months but we've been waiting for so long since the last miscarriage. If I don't get pregnant this cycle, my next cycle will be the same one I got pregnant with last summer. Almost a whole year has gone by since I got pregnant.

I'm not devastated, but I am disappointed. I'm just really ready to be a Mom and want it with every ounce of who I am.

Period

2007-03-22T09:38:00.000-04:00

It arrived this morning with a vengeance and some nasty cramping. I'm actually okay with it. I would have thought it would make me upset, but it doesn't. It's just really nice to finally know one way or the other. I checked a due date calendar for this month and I'd be due the 29th of December if I got pregnant this month. I love the holiday season and that is kind of exciting! Here's hoping this is our month!

DH and I are going out of town for a couple of days for a little getaway and that will be right around when I should be ovulating, so I'm really hopeful!

waiting

2007-03-21T14:50:00.000-04:00

Well, about a month ago I went in for my annual exam and the doctor said we could start trying again. This was a big surprise and we are both very excited and scared.

I am a couple of days late as of this writing and have not had a positive test yet. I'm not sure if I'm pregnant, but would really like to know one way or the other. It's so easy to get obsessive in the 2 week wait.

Still, I wonder, if I am pregnant, will it make me feel better? Then I'll just be waiting for the first trimester to end...then to find out the sex, and then to meet the little bugger. I suppose I'm starting to realize more and more that from the very start of the process, becoming a parent is a long and sometimes painful lesson in patience.

I'm still trying to find mine.

The worst thing ever said

2007-03-08T14:09:00.000-05:00

I’m not sure if I wrote about this before, but the day after I found out the baby died last year, I spoke with my mother. My husband called her the day we found out to tell her, and the next day I gave her a call to talk. She suffered 5 miscarriages herself and I thought she would be a big source of comfort.

When we spoke, she said the worst thing to me anyone had said. She said, “Well, maybe we didn’t love it enough”. Now, there are a lot of ways she could have meant this, but there isn’t a single one that is right. When you have a miscarriage you learn to deal with all of the stupid things that people say to you. You just really don’t expect the stupid things to come from your family.

I let it go at the time. I was too out of it and drained to stir something up over it. The result of that comment though was quite a bit of withdrawal on my part from my mother. She and I have had a somewhat rocky relationship over the years, so this withdrawal has only compounded that for her.

Yesterday she sent me a nasty e-mail about me not calling enough and other various things. She has a tendency of doing that to me every so often. I called her this morning to address them and she brought up my lack of speaking with her about my miscarriage. I told her why. She has no recollection of ever saying such a thing.

The idea of trying again has really brought up some issues for me as to how I want to define my relationship with my mother. What do you think?

coming to a place of peace

2007-02-07T09:33:00.000-05:00

I think I'm coming into a place of peace. I'm days away from my due date and as I get closer it seems like I come more and more to terms with things. It is still hard sometimes, but I'm okay with it being hard and that makes a big difference. I think it also is helpful that we plan on starting to try again in April. I don't know that I'll ever fully get over my loss and I hate that it will taint my future pregnancies. I just hope that it does offer me more appreciation when the time does come for all that motherhood will bring.

ups and downs

2006-12-31T10:40:00.000-05:00

It seems that I cant make up my mind if I'm okay or not lately. Today is such a bad day for me. My cousin called yesterday to tell me she is pregnant. I'm happy for her. I feel it is so important to say that before I go off on my selfish tirade. Seriously, another fucking pregnant person. This has put me in such a bad place. To top it all off my husband and I are fighting. None of these things bother him...this news doesn't phase him at all. The face that I would have been due in 6 weeks means nothing. For me these are devastating reminders of what we have lost. Neither of us seems to be able to understand where the other is coming from. I'm tired and sick of being sad about this and I'm even more tired of fighting about it.

glad that's over

2006-12-27T20:40:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling much more positive now that Christmas is over. This week has been pretty light at work, and I've finally been able to come down from the holiday craziness. We plan on starting to try again in March and now that we are closer to that I somehow am feeling better. I have a goal of getting in shape before we start trying again and have lost 5 lbs so far. They will probably come right back on after the holiday, but that's okay because I can get back on track.

I'm also going to try and see another OB before we start trying again just to help things along. I think a second opinion on the molar and MTHFR issues is probably a good idea.

Merry Christmas

2006-12-22T10:36:00.000-05:00

My levels were zero again this month which means I am not pregnant. This also means that I will not be needing chemo. Merry Christmas to me. This should make me happy, and it really does, but I'd rather just be 7-8 months pregnant right now like I was supposed to be.

My bitterness is there under the surface and so much more noticeable over this time of holiday cheer. This year I lost my baby, had said baby sucked out of me (twice), watched two friends have their first babies and experience a joy that was ripped away from me (one of said babies was also born on my birthday), found out my infertile cousin is pregnant with a naturally conceived surprise baby after two rounds of successful invitro, found out my friend who miscarried two weeks after me is pregnant again, changed jobs (twice), found out I can't get pregnant for quite some time and might have issues carrying babies to term.

Merry fucking Christmas.

I do have a lot to be greatful for in my life. I have a wonderful husband, a job that pays well and I enjoy, a terrific dog. I have a great house that I just finished decorating and that I love. I have a closet full of nice clothes. I have my health. Still, all I want for Christmas was the life that I had in me and was taken away from me. So, I'll go and put on the obligatory Christmas cheer and pray by this time next year I am a mom, of a healthy baby.

less bitter

2006-12-20T09:25:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm a bit less bitter than I was on my last post. Seeing my therapist of course helped. I think I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that this is just hard, and going to be hard.

My co-worker that miscarried right after me just found out she is pregnant again. She e-mailed me this morning to let me know. I am happy for her, and her e-mail was nice, saying how she understood that the news is not easy for me to hear. I know she gets it and that makes it a little easier. I feel for her because she is so nervous something will go wrong again this time. Still, how I wish it were me.

I had my beta drawn yesterday as I must do every month. I should get the results today, but I feel pretty confident we are okay because I got my period and I'm not on the pill this month. If my hcg was up, I don't think I would have gotten it.

Christmas is on Monday and I'm just not in the spirit this year. Frankly, I just really want this year to be over....I really am ready to start fresh. I have been working out and trying to loose weight to hopefully be a little slimmer for the next pregnancy. I think we'll start trying in April, so that gives me a few more months to get there.

My DH will be coming to my next therapy appointment with me and I think it might help us out a bit. We've been a bit disconnected because we deal with the miscarriage so differently. I suppose in some ways that is normal, but it's getting old fast.

trying not to think about it doesn't work either

2006-12-13T10:02:00.000-05:00

Well, it's yet again been ages since I've posted. I was in therapy and things were going well so I decided the best thing to do was avoid everything that reminded me of my miscarriage. No websites, no blogging, not really talking about it much. Well, on my birthday (of course) some friends of ours had their first child. I asked my husband to call them and see how things were going, and this past Saturday I asked if he ever got a hold of them. He said yes, two days before and that they had the baby on my birthday. I was furious! I know he was trying to protect me but seriously!

Well, I got sent the pictures this morning and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Their baby is only 2 and half months older than mind would have been. I'm in my office just wanting to sit and cry for an hour and I can't. Why is it that when we have a miscarriage, all our friends are having their first babies!? I mean isn't it bad enough that my baby died and i have to wait to try again? I think I'll write more later, right now I just really don't have anything to say.

long month

2006-11-15T10:47:00.000-05:00

Sorry for being away for so long. It's been a rather long month and I've been a bad blogger.
I suppose I'll begin with the job stuff since that is where I last left off. I have accepted a new position and start my new job on Monday! It was quite an ordeal because I had two really strong offers, so deciding which to take was really stressful. Then, in the midst of deciding and interviewing, my husband's grandmother died. She was in her mid -80s and her health had been failing the past couple of years. Still, she was an amazing woman and we were all very saddened to see her pass.

Hubby and I were supposed to go out of town for a little anniversary trip the weekend she died. We had been planning since right before I had the second d&c. We had to cancel of course, and although we didn't want to go because of the circumstances, both of us were really disappointed. It had been the trip through all our stress of the past few months that we had been so looking forward to. We are going to try and reschedule..

I'm excited about the new job. I think the challenge will be a nice distraction for me, and it is a promotion from what I'm currently doing as well. I'll be managing and taking on more responsibility. It is more money too which is always nice.

I also started seeing my old therapist this past month. It was kind of funny because I told her I was having a hard time getting over the miscarriage and she looked at me like I was crazy. It was so nice to feel validated in my grief. I hadn't been allowing myself validation and it was like I finally got permission. Going to see her is really helping things.

My levels are still at 0 and I'll go mid-December for my next check. We will probably go off the pill some time in March or April of next year, but who knows....life has a tendency of getting in the way. In the mean time the waiting still remains like a kind of daily torture. I sit and watch all my friends become mothers and it is painful. The holidays make things a bit harder too. This is my favorite time of year and I was so looking forward to it being that much more exciting because of the pregnancy.

The other day I saw a picture of an actress who is due in February and it felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I guess the thing that therapy has been teaching me is that although I think that is a crazy reaction to have 3 months post miscarriage, it's actually pretty normal.

So, with all this waiting I'm not sure what direction the blog will begin to take.....I guess it should be interesting to find out!

been a while...

2006-10-24T20:59:00.000-04:00

hi, well.......... it's been a while. The past couple of weeks have gone by very quickly, so I hadn't realized that it had been so long. How I've missed you!

So, the career conundrum is no longer a conundrum. I spoke with my boss and am going to start looking for something new. My commute is killing me and she really understood. Of course, the fact that she was so cool makes it that much harder to decide to leave. I have a bunch of opportunities right now, so I'm just really hoping to find the right thing. As far as my mood has gone, it's been more stressed then depressed. I think that I've replaced one with the other though and that isn't such a good thing. I'm going to see a counselor this week to hopefully help me put things back into perspective. This has just been a rough year all around and I think I could use some of that perspective stuff. I still get angry when I see pregnant women, and I still ache when I see a baby, but not with the same sense of despair as before. So, things are looking better, right?

I think the path has become clearer through my job decision. I've always been focused on my career, and now that we have to wait to get pregnant again, I can 're-focus' on that effort and really make my footprint with a new company before I would have a baby. That would put us in a better situation overall since I'm the breadwinner of the family. As I look at new opportunities, I'm trying to keep the bigger picture in mind since in the end this will all effect my overall happiness. Hopefully in the long run, it works!

Career conundrum

2006-10-05T19:10:00.000-04:00

First I guess the health stuff...my levels have finally reached zero. This is great news, and now I can start going in for my blood tests once a month. Going every week was really getting old, so I'm glad that is over. Now for my career conundrum. An opportunity for a new job presented itself earlier this week. I am currently a contractor and was planning on going full time in November at my current job because a) I like my boss b) I like my co-workers c) It keeps me busy so the day goes by quickly and d) It isn't too stressful/challenging. All these things made it the perfect job for a soon to be mom. Well, I'm no where near a soon to be mom anymore thanks to those good old molar cells. I wasn't thinking of leaving my job, but an opportunity for a much higher level position came across my desk this week and it got me thinking that maybe I should consider a move now. I have the wait to get pregnant, so I can put the focus back on my career. It's a big choice and I'm really struggling with it. I have the interview on Friday, so I'm hoping that will help me see if I want to make a change.

Other than that life has been boring...just waiting and watching all the pregnant ladies pass me by....

Surprise...doing well!

2006-09-26T16:34:00.000-04:00

Seeing my friend and her new baby was actually not as bad as I expected. My husband and I went by after work and one of her co-workers who I've met before was there. The co-worker was holding the baby when we arrived and I sat down next to her to get a look. After a few minutes she asked if I wanted to hold the baby. My friend, the new mom, was like, "no one has to hold the baby though if they don't want to...I never liked holding newborns before I was pregnant!". I knew she was protecting me and it was really sweet and meant the world to me. What an awesome friend...I already knew it, but that was just so cool! I ended up holding the baby for a while and it was hard, but kind of nice all at the same time.

I keep trying to think how this just wasn't my time, but then I think of how far along I would have been and it just kills me. I still feel heartbroken about the whole thing. Still, my husband and I are trying to just enjoy the time we have and I'm taking up new hobbies. I still do a lot of crying over things, but hopefully my time will come soon. My husband said a while back that when I get pregnant I'll be the only one and it will be more special...It was so sweet!

Time heals all wounds I guess, but time sure does move slower when you are waiting...

baby central

2006-09-23T14:47:00.000-04:00

Well, my neighbor who happens to be one of our dearest friends has given birth to a healthy baby boy. I'm thrilled for her and her husband. She was lucky enough to have a very easy delivery and sounded great when I talked to her this morning. Her husband asked if I wanted to come with him to the hospital to see them, but I told him I just couldn't take it. It is just too much for me to go to the hospital where I was supposed to deliver and see all those babies. I feel terrible for not going, but I really think he understood.

I am in a very deep depression. Just last week my levels sunk down to 3, and anything below 5 is considered 0. I think that the falling hormones along with the arrival of my first period since the second d&c have put me in a tail spin. And as happy as I am for my friends, knowing there will be a newborn here every day to see doesn't help things any.

To top it all off my husband is out of town this weekend.

Tonight I have a friend and cousin coming over to hang out and hopefully that will make me feel better. I am beginning to seriously consider looking into some counseling to help me through all this. Everyone grieves differently, but this is just getting ridiculous.

ups and downs

2006-09-17T17:54:00.000-04:00

My levels were down to 17 this week....really great news! I'm really hoping when I go in on Tuesday they are down to 0. Going in and getting blood taken every week is getting old fast!

I've been really down the past few days and I'm not sure why. I'm trying to fill my time up with positive things but I just can't seem to get rid of this overall feeling of sadness. I've been taking a knitting class and redecorating the house. Both of which I really enjoy, but I'm still just down. Then today I found out my cousin is pregnant with her 4th child. It's actually pretty crazy because her first 3 were all IVF and she just recently had twins (a result of the IVF)! So the fact she got pregnant on her own is really a miracle. I'm happy for her but sad for me. Same shit, different day. It seems like everyone around me is pregnant and it just really gets to me no matter how hard I try not to let it get me down. I have a feeling this will be a long year.

Desperately seeking baby

2006-09-08T09:04:00.000-04:00

I find that I'm really starting to resent taking my birth control pills every night. I don't want to be preventing pregnancy, I want to be pregnant. It seems everywhere I look someone is getting pregnant or having a baby. Why can't I be part of that club? I really really just want to be a mom...I'm ready for this. I want to see my husband be a father and be a parent with him. It really consumes me and is most of what I think about on any given day.

These thoughts get me on an even crazier track where I start to say, "fuck what the doctors say, let's just get pregnant anyway". I actually said that to my husband last night and his response was, "so you are smarter than the doctors? They are wrong and you are right?".
My husband is, of course, right. The doctors have been wonderful, and I really believe that they have my best interests at heart.

Is thinking about getting pregnant all the time normal? There are so many other things in life to think about. I was at an arts festival this weekend and saw someone pushing the stroller we had wanted. Jealousy raged. I read other blogs and see the women who have had a hard time getting/staying pregnant making their happy announcements and while I'm happy for them, I'm so sad for me. I don't like it, but I just can't seem to help it.

HCG happy dance

2006-09-06T14:14:00.000-04:00

weeee....I just got the call....my hcg was 148. That is down from almost 6000 last week! Finally some good news!

Hell week

2006-09-05T13:10:00.000-04:00

Well, this has been a hell week. I'm not sure how to get all this out, so I'll just give day to day events as they unfolded.

Monday: see last post

Tuesday: Still really down about the molar pregnancy. I got home that night and started cramping really terribly. At this point I'm on day 11 of my period and it is just getting worse. Like an idiot I don't call my OB and have hubby drive me to the ER where I had the WORST DOCTOR EVER. Seriously, he was an idiot. He gave me the most painful pelvic exam ever. He ordered an ultrasound and they found nothing, although my HCG levels showed I was pregnant according to him. He spews all this random shit that can be wrong with me and ignores anything I say. Sends me home with some percocet and few answers. asshole.

Wednesday: HCG levels come back from the doctor. They are 5800....very high. We discuss the ER trip and they say if it gets bad again to call. I wake up in the middle of the night to horrible cramps and the worst bleeding I've ever experienced. I call the doc and he tells me to lay down, drink of bunch of water and take some motrin to help the bleeding. If it stays bad to call again. I call again an hour later, since the bleeding has lightened up a bit he recommends I follow up the next day with my doc. Otherwise he'd do an emergency d&c that night. I decide to wait it out. I finally sleep.

Thursday: Follow up with my regular doc. He orders another ultrasound and it looks like there might be some retained tissue. He sees me at the office and says we should do another d&c. We schedule an O/R for Friday.

Friday: Surgery.

I spent the weekend on the sofa in my pj's with a heating pad and in a decent amount of pain. Having 2 d&c's so close together is NOT fun. It is now Tuesday and I'm still having quite a bit of discomfort. My abdomen is very sore and I'm still really exhausted from the events of last week. My hcg draw was this morning and we'll get the results back tomorrow. I'll be sure to let you know what happens there.

more bad news

2006-08-28T09:10:00.000-04:00

I just got the call from my doc that my recent loss was a partial molar. The doc called me this morning with the news.

I also got my records mailed to me last week. The loss was a triploidy partial molar. What they think happened is that 2 sperm fertilized the egg and instead of splitting into twins, it all rolled in to one pregancy so the baby had an extra set of chromasomes.

It was a girl.

I have to go in tomorrow morning to get my hcg beta checked. This will happen every week until it reaches 0 and then I'll go once a month. The issue with molar pregnancies is that the cells can come back and grow as cancer. Luckily with a partial molar the chances of cancer with those is pretty rare. In any case he is putting me back on birth control pills. We should wait a year to get pregnant again, but he did say that some people only wait 6 months (not that he reccomended it, just that they do....wink wink).

I am so devastated. All I wanted was to have a baby. Why is that so much to ask for?

Period

2006-08-21T12:44:00.000-04:00

Well, it’s official. My first period since the d&c has arrived. It came lightly on Friday and then reared its’ UGLY head Saturday afternoon. It is more emotional that I thought it would be. It is also much more painful then I thought it would be, and I’m really wishing there were still some Tylenol with codeine left from the surgery.

I went to a baby shower on Saturday for my dear friend and neighbor who is due at the end of September. What in the hell was I thinking? She knows what has been going on and would have totally understood had I not gone. In the end, I think I really had something to prove to myself (I’m fine and moving on…it’s been a month after all; how long can you mourn a dead baby you never knew?). On the one hand it felt really good to be there for her. I am very happy for her (extremely jealous, but happy for her all the same). It was so hard to be there…baby decorations, baby games, baby gifts, a three week old baby and lots of baby talk. Between that and my period I ended up spending most of the weekend depressed.

Then there was the party we were supposed to go to on Sunday. My husband’s co-workers were having a party. Most of them knew about the pregnancy, but since he is a teacher I don’t think the word has gotten out over the summer that we lost the baby. I stood in the closet deciding what to wear and freaked out. I became overcome with fear that someone would congratulate me, or the people that knew would say something that they think is comforting, but really just isn’t. In the end I just couldn’t handle it so we stayed home. I felt bad too because my husband would have really liked to have gone, but he didn’t want to leave me at home alone and sad. He is a wonderful man and a wonderful support for me.

I finally got my homocystine levels back from the doctor, and they looked good. The doctor gave me the information to call into the perinatologist for my pre-pregnancy consult. We have to wait yet another month before they can see us. I understand they are very busy, but the appointment is 2 months to the day since I had my d&c and that just seems like an eternity to have to wait.

I’ve come to terms with the face that we have challenges ahead, but I really just want to know the game plan so we can move forward and not be left in limbo. It’s been hard to occupy my time with other things since all of this baby stuff is on my mind a lot. We are doing a lot of work on our house…it’s as if we are still nesting without the baby. We also bought some exercise equipment, so I am going to start working out again. Of course, that is baby related as well because my ulterior motive is to get into shape to offer a better “house” for the next baby. A friend and I signed up for a knitting class…I’ve always wanted to learn to, but now I have the time to and I can knit something for my baby when I’m pregnant again. Will the obsession stop?

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Some good news please???

2006-08-15T13:44:00.000-04:00

I have a co-worker who found out she was pregnant shortly after me. Our due dates were only two weeks apart. I was concerned about her being worried for her own pregnancy when she found out I had miscarried, and of course was also concerned about seeing her on the same timeline every day. She is a doll though and has been very understanding.

Her first sonogram was scheduled for yesterday. This morning she wasn't here. I called her and she found out that the baby died. My heart is broken for her. What were the chances that this would happen to us both?

Being that I just posted on jealousy of other pregnant women, this news has given me great pause. I was jealous of her yesterday, and today I am grieving with her. I guess it is a reminder that we are all really just a moment away from being the same.

Jealousy

2006-08-14T08:35:00.000-04:00

Jealousy. It's not one of my favorite emotions and I'm not the kind of person that is jealous very often. Of course, that has all changed in the past couple of weeks. When we first learned of the miscarriage, people often asked if it was hard for me to be around pregnant women. I said no...being pregnant sucked and I didn't really envy them. I mean, I was not feeling well most of my pregnancy, and so I didn't feel jealous of that feeling at first. That has all changed.

Now when I see pregnant women I feel jealous. It seems like a delayed reaction, but I can't help it. I want what they have. Badly. It is such a strong jealousy that there is almost a physical reaction that comes with it. I suppose it is one of those things that will pass in time like everything else.

My husband and I went to a Christening yesterday. It was little hard, but I got through it okay. I find that going to events where I will see people that don't know about the miscarriage makes me very nervous. I get really worried that they will ask me about when we plan on having kids. It seems like that has become such an acceptable questions for strangers to ask these days. I find it very uncomfortable and disarming. Do I answer, "we hope to have kids one day" or "well, it's a little soon considering I recently suffered a miscarriage"? Part of me thinks that if they ask you an uncomfortable question you should throw the discomfort back at them. At the same time, I would have hated to cause a problem at some one else's special event. I guess as the question is asked of me over time I'll come up with some kind of answer that works. In the mean time I'll just live in fear of the asking.

Some History

2006-08-11T10:10:00.000-04:00

So some quick history. I got pregnant in college, well right after I graduated actually. I found out and miscarried 2 days later. There isn't much more information than that. In the end, although sad, it was for the best. No, that sounds so hard. I was really devastated at the time. It's just that I really wasn't ready to be a mother either. So, in this case, looking back this was "for the best."

Fast forward. I got married almost 3 years ago. In May my husband and I decided to really start trying for a baby. We got pregnant on the first try. I always knew that we were winners! We were both really excited (once we got out of the dear in headlights phase that is). Since I was really worried about another miscarriage, my OB was nice enough to give me a early sonogram and we saw a heart beat at 7 weeks. It was very very cool. No, that doesn't quite describe it. It was really fucking amazing. Okay, so eloquence is not my thing.

So, ten days after the sonogram I went for my regular appointment and we found out that there was no heart beat. This was the first appointment I didn't bring my husband to. I had to call him and tell him to meet me a the sonogram place. The doc wanted a second ultrasound just to be sure. It just sucked.

I was scheduled for a d&c a few days later. Since this is my second miscarriage the doctor decided to send the "tissue" out for genetic testing. I must say, I like tissue better than "products of conception", but let's call it what it really is. He sent the embryo out for testing to see if he could tell what went wrong.

Two days ago, we found out that I tested positive for the MTHFR genetic mutation. We will have to go see a specialist to discuss what the next steps are there. I don't have much more info than that right now.

I am also waiting for a final report on whether or not this is a partial molar pregnancy. If that is the case, we'll have to wait a year before we can try again because the cells can come back and become cancerous.

This is so not how things were supposed to be. We were supposed to have a baby. I was going to get a cute belly. We were going to decorate a nursery.

So now we wait. Wait for test results. Wait for information. Wait for more doctor appointments.

Welcome

2006-08-10T12:38:00.000-04:00

Hi there, and welcome.

I suffered a miscarriage 3 weeks ago. Actually it is my second, although only a few people know I had one back in college.

So why did I decide to start a blog? Well, I've been reading other blogs out there from women in similar situations and since I don't do well on the touchy-feely message boards, this seemed like a good way to get out of my head.

I don't really know who will read this, or even if I will share that I am doing this with others in my life. (Of course, I will tell hubby...I just can't keep secrets from him). So, if you come here and read, I hope you enjoy.