Sad

My husband's cousin who recently found out she was pregnant and decided to keep it just found out this morning that she will miscarry. She called me just crying her heart out about it. I really feel for her and it has me very sad. It brought back a lot of sad memories for me of my own miscarriages. I wish there were something I could do for her to make her feel better, but I know there isn't. I just let her know that I am here if she needs to talk and how much I understand that this sucks. I hope she heals soon.

Alien

So, I've been feeling the baby on and off lately. It's really true what they say about it starting like butterflies. It's super light and fluttery. A couple of times I've actually felt a full on poking feeling.

I'm not going to lie, the poking thing creeped me out.

When I've told other women that have children that, they look at me like I am the worst mother in the world. Well fucking excuse me! It is kind of creepy when you feel something kick you from the inside for the first time. It's like the movie Alien or something.

The movements are still really sporadic, but I'm getting more used to them and (dare I say it) hopeful I'll feel it even more soon. You see, if I don't feel it much for a couple of days I start to worry. Thank God for home dopplers.

I'm not showing very much yet either which is really strange. I'm 18 weeks as of today and thought I would be bigger by now. I'm ready for the full on pregnancy belly. I want the world to know now.

I've been also thinking about the title of this blog lately. Does it still work? I would like to keep the blog going even after I have the baby, but I don't feel so bluesy about all this anymore. To keep the title or not? What do you think?

oh, and one more thing

I totally forgot to mention the best news of all. My old co-worker who miscarried right after me gave birth to her son last week. Almost exactly a year after she miscarried. I don't think I could be happier for another human being. They are both doing well and she had a great birth experience which gives me lots of hope for mine.

It's really a full circle moment. I went from being pregnant with her, to jealous she still was; from grieving with her, to jealous she was pregnant again; from being in the sisterhood of pregnancy and now, finally, overjoyed that she has her baby and is a mom. What a wild ride and a huge lesson.

bad blogger

Life has been crazy and I have been a bad blogger. Shame on me!

The past couple of weeks have been eventful. The pregnant family member has decided to keep the baby. It will be a tough road for her, but I'm glad she has come to a decision that she is happy with and feels is right for her.

In the past couple of weeks we've found out about 2 other pregnancies among family/friends, so that is pretty exciting. It seems like there is something in the water over here.

Last week I fainted in the grocery store and ended up with a trip to the ER in an ambulance. Everything is fine, but it was a bit scary and was a REALLY long night. We did get a sonogram out of it though. It was so funny because when we had the NT screen the baby was asleep and we didn't see much movement. Well, apparently I have a night owl because at one in the morning the kid was punching me in my uterus. Full arm extend and punching mom..over and over. My husband is into martial arts, so the kid must take after him.

My 20 week sonogram is 5 weeks away at 21 weeks and I think I will die if I have to wait that long. I really really want to know what the sex of this baby is. I think it is a boy, but am ready for some confirmation so I can start picking things out.

In just the past couple of weeks I've begun to realize that this pregnancy is real, and here, and not going anywhere. Don't get me wrong, I still worry about something going wrong, but at a more normal amount now.

I know I still need to get a sonogram picture up...I will...soon....I hope....

a year ago

It was a year ago that I had my d&c for my last miscarriage. It's been on my mind the past week, but not as much as I thought it would be. I think the excitement of this pregnancy is helping me not focus on the past. Still, I feel some guilt for not being more sad about it. I suppose I've done my grieving and have let much of it go. I haven't brought any of this up to my husband. I don't know if he realized it was a year ago and I don't want to make him sad.

There was some family drama this week as well. A family member who has a child and is currently on welfare called to tell me she is pregnant again. She doesn't know what to do and is leaning towards abortion. She kept trying to get me to tell her what to do, but that isn't my place. I told her to go to planned parenthood and talk to a counselor there. Hopefully they can help her. I don't know that I'm the best person to ask for advice on this subject. Being that I am pregnant, my point of view on everything is different. No one else in the family knows and I was the only person she felt she could reach out to. I feel bad for her, but angry that she wasn't more responsible.

I still need to get my sono pic scanned. I totally slacked this weekend! I'll get to it soon though, I promise!

I've been feeling pretty well. I still get nauseous on and off and today it is worse than it has been in a couple of weeks. I'm having lots of "growing pains" in my uterus this week as well. It's not really painful, but more uncomfortable. I'm still having trouble gaining weight, but have gained back what I lost at least. Doc is not going to be happy at my next appointment. Hopefully I'll put on a few pounds over the next week!