Thursday, May 31, 2007

all is well

I should have posted yesterday, but I just didn't think to. I was so stressed out! My doctor's office didn't call until 4:00pm, but it was good news. My levels are rising nicely.

I go in next Tuesday for another draw and if that beta looks good, I'll be able to schedule and ultrasound.

You would think I'd be relieved, but I'm very stressed out. All this waiting for things to happen is stressful. On top of it, I haven't been thrilled with my ob's office and am thinking of switching to a new one. Oh, and next week, I'm getting braces. Yes, BRACES! UGG!

Any suggestions out there for good stress management tools?

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

tenderhooks

I'm waiting for the doctor office to call and let me know if my betas are rising as they should. This is the longest morning ever.......

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

a scare already

Last week I went in for my first ob/gyn visit. They took some blood to do a beta. On Friday they called back. The nurse said my levels looked low and the doctor was very concerned. The doctor that reviewed my results was not the doctor I have been seeing (he was out of town) but another doctor in the practice. He was not optimistic and they said to come in Tuesday (today) for another blood draw and call if I started bleeding over the weekend. Of course, my heart sank and all my critical thinking skills went out the window.

Then I started thinking about it. 58 seemed a fine level for 13 DPO. Ahh, but they don't know I'm a late ovulator....they haven't seen my charts. So, according to their universal stupid magic wheel, I should have been closer to 17 DPO in which case yes, 58 is worrisome. I spent the day asking questions on message boards, doing research and worrying. 58 is fine...this is what I heard over and over again.

I'll get the results of todays test tomorrow and we'll see if the levels are rising as they should. This will let us know for sure how things look so far.

I'm angry at the way my doctor's office handled this situation. They called me and basically said I would miscarry again without all the information they really needed to make that assessment. I'm thinking about switching practices. I like the doctor I've been seeing, but this whole thing just has me worried and pissed. Neither of which I really need right now.

I feel better since I've done research on my own....58 is fine! Still, the ominous call puts the reality of what can go wrong clearly into perspective. Will I ever be able to just enjoy this pregnancy?

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

I'm pregnant

Monday I spent all day stressed out and so I figured I'd put my mind at ease and take a pregnancy test. So, I took a test and expected to see something right away. I didn't. I was frustrated and threw the test away. Then, for some reason I decided to grab the test out of the trash can for one last look. It was positive! A very very faint line, but it was there. Three days later the lines are darker and I actually believe it. I'm pregnant. My due date is Jan. 29, 2008.

Yesterday I spent all day completely stressed out about all the things that can go wrong. Today, for some reason, I'm feeling better. I had my first doctor appointment this morning and will be going in for my first u/s in a couple of weeks.

I'm happy, but kind of numb about the whole thing. I just really don't want to loose this one. It doesn't help that the time line is so similar to my last pregnancy. My last due date was Feb. 23, 2007.

Last time I had a very strong feeling it would be a girl. They tested the tissue after the d&c and it was. I'm feeling boy this time....we'll see....

I've only told a handful of people. We are not telling our families until I'm further along. If you are a praying kind, please pray that this one sticks.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Stressful Month

Well, I'm 11 DPO today and dying to take a pregnancy test. Yesterday I was overwhelmingly exhausted and I felt nauseous. Of course, I am a firm believer in the fact that you can make this shit up in your head if you try hard enough. Today, I'm cramping and think my period is coming. In my head?? We'll find out soon enough I guess.

This past month has been very stressful. At the beginning of the month, I went in for my usual dental checkup and found out that I have to get braces. Well, that's not entirely true. I've been avoiding braces for many years now and I was told I really have now choice now. So, on June 7th I'll be getting braces I don't even want for the bargain price of $6200. At least my dental will partially cover it.

A week after learning I needed braces, we learned a pipe was leaking in our front yard. The original quote to fix it was $4500, but we shopped around and found a great place that could do it for $1900. Of course, that really did feel like a bargain after the original quote.

All of this got me quite a bit stressed out, mainly because the money for this stuff is money I've set aside for when I take maternity leave. So, at firs when all this happened I said, "Well, if I don't get pregnant this month it's no big deal". WHO AM I KIDDING!!!??? Of course it's a big deal!

In all this stress I've realized I don't really have an outlet anymore. Or, I don't use the outlets I have. After my miscarriage last year I took up knitting. It was all I did in my spare time and I really loved it. Oh, and I worked out too. For the past couple of months though I haven't even touched it (the knitting or the work out equipment). I'm thinking it's time to get the needles out again and hop back on that elliptical machine. Right after I go pee on a stick.....

Monday, May 14, 2007

Important bill you should be aware of

Please Please Please check out this post over at "a little pregnant":

http://www.alittlepregnant.com/alittlepregnant/2007/05/also_please_ask.html

I know this is an issue that affects many of us and it's worth checking out! I just went to the website and it literally took me less than an minute to send the form letter to my local representative.

Mother's Day

I've never been a very big fan of Mother's Day. My mother spent a good portion of my formative years in and out of mental hospitals. She is manic. Now, this isn't to say that she is a bad mother. She is a good mother, but the issues of my childhood and her illness have affected our relationship.

Like most of us, I love my mother, but she drives me crazy. The main difference I see in our relationship from the relationships of my girlfriends and their mothers is that my mother and I are just not as connected. We are not close. This is something that used to bother me, but as I have grown older I have learned to accept. It does make finding a Mother's Day card a bit problematic though.

Seriously....I just can't identify with the cards in the store. And writing something mushy and loving on the inside of the card myself...forget about it! I break out into hives just thinking of it.

As you can imagine, my anticipation of this Mother's Day was a bit worse than usual. This would have been my first Mother's Day had my I not miscarried last year. The day was hard, but not as hard as I thought it would be.

I really hope that I'll be a mom by next Mother's Day. Time will tell.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

on birth

A co-worker's wife just had their fourth child and I found out today. This has made me reflect on my changing feelings about the news of birth.

Before I had been pregnant this last time, I was truly happy and excited when I heard about someone having a new baby. It was cool and fascinating...something very far away from me. The people that became parents were just so brave.

After my first miscarriage in college it was a little hard to hear of births at first, but overall it didn't effect me as much. I think this was mainly because the pregnancy was unplanned and I only knew about it for a couple of days before I started bleeding. In the end, I really saw the miscarriage as a thing that was for the best.

After my miscarriage last year things were very different. I planned that baby with my husband and we were both so excited. In the aftermath, I would get so angry when I'd hear of someone giving birth. The news made me fill with rage and jealousy. Sometimes, I can still feel those twinges of emotion if I'm having a bad day and let it come in.

Today, upon hearing the news of my co-workers new baby I realized that now when I hear the news of a birth I greet it with ambivalence. I feel nothing. I visited the website and saw the baby and felt nothing. My only thought was that she looked good for a newborn (let's face it, they aren't usually all that good looking).

On the hospital website I looked around and came to the section of FAQ's. It was really strange, but as I came across the "what to bring to the hospital" list I felt anger. The anger wasn't really the strange part, but more what I felt angry about. It mentioned to bring a ponytail holder to pull back long hair during delivery. I have long hair, and got this immediate visual of myself in labor with my hair pulled back. It was a strange thing to have resonate so clearly. At least I'm moving on from being angry at people to inanimate objects. It seems like a step in the right direction.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

A better week

For some reason I feel better this week. There is no rhyme or reason to it, but I'm not going to question a good thing. I met with my therapist last night and we talked about the emotional rollarcoaster that is trying to conceive. It's hard wanting something and being disappointed month after month. I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir here, but after a while I think you just start to become resigned to the fact that it's hard. Up until now I've been fighting that notion.

A good friend let me borrow her fertility monitor which helped her get pregnant. I got a high reading this morning which is kind of early for me. My husband was thrilled because this means he'll get laid a lot. I am happy as well because this could mean a couple of days will be shaved of my cycle this month. Two days less of waiting. Score!

We have a spare room in our house that is meant to be a nursery. We never decorated it, but did paint it a pale blue when we moved in 2 years ago. Now, it has turned into a storage room. It's a mess. It's funny because it seems in some ways that the room has become a metaphor for my uterus. Bear with me here. Before we got pregnant last time, the room was filling up with baby related things - an old rocking chair, a small coat rack I had as a little girl, a bookcase. It was just starting to look right for a baby. Now, it looks like a bomb went off in it. I think we need to clean it out. Feng Shui the fucker. Feng Shui the room, feng shui the uterus?